Identify Rapport Killers And How To Avoid Them
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection
, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling attitude. The controlling attitude is divided into two major categories - overt control and covert control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as anger, blame, violence, the trial, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to take control of not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, causing the rejection itself. But you should intend avoiding it.
RESISTANCE ...
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being absorbed and controlled - of losing. At the time they experience their partner wanting control over them, respond to resistance - withdrawal, loss of consciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When in a couple, one is controlling and the other is resistant - which is actually an attempt to take control of not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this system of relationships are frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
NEED...
Many people enter a relationship thinking your partner should make the move first to fill the void, to carry their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and set your own value, which can pull your partner and others to fill with the love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS...
Most people who feel empty inside turn to the substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of loneliness and solitude. Things like alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, occupation, sex and pornography on the Internet, business, work, TV, accumulation, beautify, and so on, all can be used as a means to fill the gap and avoid the fear of failure, rejection and diving. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.
EYES ON YOUR PLATE ...
Many people are very aware of what your partner is doing that is causing problems in relationships, but in total ignorance of what they are doing. For example, you may be aware of your partner's resistance or withdrawal, but totally not aware of his or her own conduct. You may be well aware of the wrath of your partner, but completely unaware of their own compliance. You may be aware of the addictive behavior of your partner, but not very aware of their own environment. While your eyes are on your partner instead of in yourself, believing that if only your partner changed, everything would be fine.
by: Michael SeoVida Francis
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