Im Fine Does Not Necessarily Mean I Am Fine
Evelyn has been married for 11 years and has two little girls
. Its a great marriage, she says, but Im so unhappy in it.
I ask her to explain. She says her childhood was emotionally painful; she learned early on to put on an Im fine, smile. And, I did that throughout school as well as in my marriage. I am pretty certain I didnt love him, but he loved me, so I thought that was enough. I want to be happy now, but I dont want to upset him or our daughters.
I ask her what I describe in my book for single women as the Crystal Ball question. If you could look into a Crystal Ball and see that in the future you would never meet a man who offered you more than your husband, what would you do?
She grimaced. I dont know. Thats whats so upsetting; I have no guarantee Ill be happy even if I leave. But, I do know I will be ok if I leave. Im independent; Im competent; have a great job so I can support myself. But, Id be disappointing so many people. My mother would give me her Youre really messed up look.
The more we talked, the more it became clear Evelyn had so little sense of what she wanted for herself. The only escape, she assumed, was getting out of her marriage. And, while that may be the right thing for her, there is no way she would really know what she wanted for herself until she focused on herself. Fleeing the marriage without being clear what she wanted, not just pleasing or avoiding others, might only leave her vulnerable to getting into another relationship where she loses herself.
As soon as I started saying any of this, she nodded and finished the conversation. I dont want to always be fine with what others want for me. At the risk of sounding like a clich, I have to find myself. How do I do that, though, without becoming that clich?
We started with her just observing herself for a week. Dont do anything different; just watch yourself with your new eyes.
The following week, Evelyn reported she had done some serious watching, including seeing how she was training her daughters to be nice to everyone. I have got to do something; I dont want them growing up and stuck like I am.
We talked about a number of options.
I definitely need to keep working with you, but I like the idea of that Unique Retreats for Womans that you run. It would be really helpful for me to talk with (and listen to) other women. I know you said some of them will have their lives together more than I; they will be there for other reasons, but they would also give me a sense of where I could grow.
What I could not guarantee Evelyn, but what I have seen so often, is that these intensive retreats can significantly cut the length of therapy. But, what I could guarantee her is that she will get out of it whatever she is willing to invest.
I received a letter from her the following year, after she had attended a Unique Retreats for Women and completed her therapy. She was happily married to the same man she had been unhappy with before. She wrote,
Its hard to explain exactly what happened, but being at the weekend really changed things for me in some crucial ways. I can honestly say now that I am fine. Something about seeing some women who had more of their lives together and those who were struggling like me was a turning point. I got hope, ideas about what I was missing, but more important, I came away with a game plan (based on all that hard work you made me do (!). As you know, I worked on that after the retreat, and Im so pleased to say I have a business plan and a meeting with the bank next week. Opening a coffee caf/book store/art gallery was always a dream I never allowed myself to dream. And, now it will happen. Thank you so very much you and the other women.
In a postscript, she said, I am very careful now to be honest with how I am feeling. I am only fine, when I really am fine. What a relief!
Thank you, Evelyn.
by: Dr. Karen Gail Lewis
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