In Case You Were On Some Other Planet
A bunch of them are gathered in Prague, hotly debating the definition of a planet
. The argument almost assuredly launched over many, many happy-hour drinks with names including the word "Uranus" will culminate in a big-bang confrontation that might result in Pluto being voted out of the universe. Allow us to help define terms with a little earthbound layman's analogy:
Planet: Oprah. Not a planet: Dr. Phil. Any questions?
Elsewhere in the universe:
Inter-Specious: Scientists now suspect Homo sapiens used to casually sleep around with Neanderthals during the period the two early human species co-existed in Europe. Uh, news flash: In Vegas, they still do.
Election Update: Egomaniacal Sen. Joseph Lieberman, the Connecticut Republicrat voted out of his own party, now says that if he fails to get elected as an independent, he'll appoint himself senator for life from an entirely new geopolitical region: Washington, District of Joe.
Raising The Cone of Silence: A federal judge, citing violations of the First and Fourth amendments, has ordered a shutdown of the government's warrantless-surveillance programs. The Bush administration has requested a stay so it can have reasonable time to spy on judges who'll hear the appeal.
A Transaction Fee By Any Other Name: Washington Mutual, Inc. has decided to officially shorten its moniker to "WaMu." A spokesman explained that the catchier "ShaMu" and "NaMu" already were taken by dead whales.
Body Double: Self-proclaimed child killer John Mark Karr, suspected in the JonBenet Ramsey slaying, is being returned to Colorado, where he will be held for now on charges of creeping everyone out by looking like Lee Harvey Oswald.
Seriously: Every time you see the guy on TV, don't you keep waiting for a guy who looks like Jack Ruby to leap out of the crowd and pop him with a snub-nosed revolver?
You Can See It In His Eyes: On Thursday's "Scarborough Country" on MSNBC, a body-language expert couldn't say for sure if Karr was being truthful. But she was able to determine "with a high degree of probability" that host Joe Scarborough is a self-aggrandizing blowhard.
Three In The Key: Forward Chris Wilcox signed a three-year contract with the Sonics. Next task: Finding a suitable crib in a happenin' Oklahoma City neighborhood.
Howard Schultz Memorial Economics Lesson: The deal for Wilcox, who scored 14 ppg last season and is barely known to casual fans, averages $8 million a season or $97,560 per game. Yep, any idiot can see how that crummy KeyArena lease is to blame for bankrupting the Sonics.
Attention, Business Travelers: Due to the recall of millions of possibly defective Dell notebook computer batteries such as
dell Inspiron 700m battery,
dell Inspiron 710m battery,
dell F5136 battery,
dell 312-0306 battery,
dell 312-0305 battery,
dell D5561 battery and
dell G5345 battery, be advised that that warm feeling in your lap you recently experienced while working at the airport or hotel may not, in fact, be love, but merely a Sony lithium-ion cell approaching flameout.
Speaking of Dell Laptops: Our apologies in advance if this column doesn't exactly sing. You try being witty with one hand on the keyboard, the other on a fire extinguisher.
Yes, You Are Reading The Rules Correctly: A bottle of water on an airplane will get you Saturday detention in Guantnamo. But if you've got a laptop powered by one of those flame-throwing Sony batteries, feel free to fire it up.
One More: Informed of the battery recall, Mel Gibson blamed the ... well, you know the drill.
And Finally: Housing prices are beginning to cool in some Seattle neighborhoods. Act fast. It's your last chance to snap up that economical $800,000 fixer-upper.
by: theo
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