Is It Too Late To Change My Husband's Mind About The Divorce? Why I Think It's Rarely Too Late

I often hear from wives whose husbands have either recently filed for divorce or

have told the wives that they want a divorce (or intend to file for one) in the near future. There's no question that the word divorce can cause panic, fear, and feelings of something awful and yet final on the horizon. So, many wives worry that once these words are spoken, it's really too late to save the marriage or to change the husband's mind.

In my experience, these wives are sometimes wrong when they assume that it's too late. In fact, I've seen plenty of wives who have been able to change their husband's mind about wanting the divorce. Sometimes, this process takes a bit longer than you had hoped and other times it might require you to be very deliberate with your plan of action. But, I believe that as long as one person in the marriage believes that divorcing would be a mistake, it doesn't have to be too late if that person is able to come up with a workable plan.

In the following article, I'll discuss why I think it's possible to change your husband's mind and prevent a divorce and I'll also offer some tips and insights on which strategies I've seen work.

Sometimes Changing His Mind About The Divorce Doesn't Mean Focusing Only On The Divorce (Especially At First:) As I mentioned, the "d word" can often bring panic into a home and the wife in this situation can feel that she has to act very dramatically very soon or she'll be facing a situation that is too late to change. Unfortunately, this set up can contribute to many women going over the top or pushing the husband further away.

It's easy and normal to panic and to want a near immediate resolution, but the strategies that I most often see work (and those which eventually worked for me) typically involve taking small and measured steps that made gradual strides. This helps the husband actually believe that real change is possible and is actually taking place.

Because if you begin peppering your husband with a whole bunch of questions, pleas or assertions that he is wrong, he may just react negatively and / or withdraw even more. Not only that, but you can't expect a situation that likely took time to develop to be resolved overnight.

And yet, this is precisely what most of us want because it feels so awful to know that our husband wants to divorce us. We don't want for this to be unresolved for any longer than it has to be, so we're tempted to pull out all the stops so that the resolution will present itself as soon as possible. Of course, the downside to this is by attempting too much too soon, you could potentially make the situation worse.

It's my observation that wives have a better chance of changing his mind if they break this down into small goals. While you may not be able to change his mind about the divorce tomorrow or next week, you might be able to make some headway or some improvements in the way that you're interacting. And, if you're able to build onthis with more improvements and inroads, eventually you can see real change.

Focusing On The Positive And Showing Him Change (Rather Than Telling Him He's Going To See It) Usually Gets A Better Result: I know it's very tempting to let your desperation show right now. Many wives (myself included) try all sorts of things like: making crazy promises; trying to reignite our sex lives in the hopes that this will take his attention away from our problems; arguing with him or telling him that he's selfish or wrong; or trying to get him to commit to counseling or some sort of "work" to save the marriage.

I'm not saying that these things don't ever work. For some women, they do, or at least they seem to initially. But often, the longer this has situation has lasted, the more likely it is that you'll have to make your strides gradually. And many of the examples that I just gave bring up negative connotations for the husband either because they make him feel as though you are manipulating him, or he thinks he'll have to do some "work," or because you're insinuating that he's wrong.

You have to remember that you're trying to change his negative attitude to a positive one. To that end, you will want to slant what you're saying to have positive implications. You want to give him something that he perceives positivity to focus on. And many husbands don't consider counseling or slogging through your problems as something to look forward to. That's why the gradual approach is sometimes preferable. It allows you to ease into the process and to leave the hard stuff until you are connected again.

So, When Is It Going To Be Too Late To Change My Husband's Mind About The Divorce?: Often, when I tell women some variation on the above, they respond with something like "well, when is it actually too late to change his mind about the divorce or to save the marriage? How much time do I have?" That's a tough question to answer. But I've seen situations where it would certainly seem to be too late when it most definitely wasn't. I've actually seen couples get divorced and then get back together later (even after one of them were remarried to someone else for a while.)

I've seen husbands who claim they never want to see their wives again or that the divorce can't happen soon enough do an about face. This process is more difficult when one or both people have become indifferent to the other person or the marriage, but no situation is impossible. Often, once the husband actually sees real and lasting change, he begins to also see that his evaluation of the marriage or of his wife was wrong at the time.

But often, he isn't going to believe this just because you tell him that this is so. He comes to believe it when you show him rather than continuing to tell him. And focusing on the positive will often help your cause.

When I was trying to change my own husband's mind about divorcing me, I made a lot of the same mistakes I dicussed here. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband's love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

Is It Too Late To Change My Husband's Mind About The Divorce? Why I Think It's Rarely Too Late

By: Leslie Cane

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