Learning To Trust Your Spouse Again After Their Affair
Learning To Trust Your Spouse Again After Their Affair
I know from experience, and by the amount of comments that I get on my blog, that one of the top issues facing married couples who are dealing with infidelity is how to get the trust back after the affair. Even if both parties are on board to try to save the marriage, issues of trust and intimacy can be a repeating roadblock.
The pain of learning your spouse has cheated is devastating. And once you experience it, you never want it to happen again. So, it's important to understand that spouses who have been cheated on walk around with a good bit of defense mechanisms surrounding them. And, unfortunately, sometimes they see letting their wall down and trusting their spouse again as an open invitation to more pain when their spouse cheats again. For the trust to really return, this cycle must be broken. I'll offer you some tips on how to address this in the following article.
Full Disclosure And Doing The Right Thing Is The Only Way To Go: Often, women tell me that their husbands won't give them all of the details about the affair because they are "protecting" them. However, the problem with this is that the wife reads this as the husband doesn't want to share the details because he knows they will expose the level of passion or bond he has with the other woman. Often, this isn't true. But,it may as well be because both parties usually hold on to their own assumptions as truth until you give them a reason not to.
It's important that the spouse who cheated provide enough information about the affair and why it happened to help facilitate healing. No, your spouse doesn't need to know how much money you spent on the other woman or the crazy things you did. But, it is important that she sees where the relationship was vulnerable so that she can work with you to fix things.
And, here's the truth. Often, the images lurking around in her head are much worse than what the reality was. I used to imagine that my own husband was madly in love with the woman who he cheated with at work, and that they shared an unbreakable bond. In truth, he didn't even know many basic facts about her. Nor did he care. But, I assumed that he fantasized about running away with and marrying her. As hard as it was to hear the truth, it did finally put these fears to rest.
Almost all women who have been cheated on tell me that they need to know where their husbands are and who they are with at all times to feel secure. Yes, this can feel very constricting to the other party, butyou must know that being accountable is the cost of the affair. Over time, as the other spouse sees that you're exactly where you've promised to be, they will no longer need this.
I often advise the spouse who cheated to willingly volunteer to give up email passwords and accounts, and cell phone logs, etc. Your spouse may or may not chose to use these, but the fact that you gave them without being asked will show your spouse that you have nothing to hide and want to help her heal.
Ask For Exactly What You Need (Your Spouse Can't Read Your Mind): Another problemthat I see over and over in couples trying to work through infidelity is that both partners will think they know what the other is thinking and act accordingly. For example, wives usually would like a lot of affection and reassurance from their husbands. Sometimes, intimacy takes a while, but most have no problems with being held, hugs, etc. However, typically the husband who cheated will assume that the wife finds him repulsive at this time. So, he's afraid that if he so much tries to touch her, he's not only going to be rejected, but the wife is going to think "see, he's trying to be intimate with any woman that he can get his hands on."
See how this is a no win situation? Both parties aren't getting what they want because no one is speaking up. Often wives will say to me "well, he should know what I need. He should take the initiative. I shouldn't have to tell him." Of course, ina perfect world, this is true. But, men often can not communicate as well as women. And an affair brings up the walls around most people. I can definitely say that it helps a lot to have a frank discussion about what you want moving forward. If you want your husband to show you that he desires and still loves you, please tell him. Because he wants to help you heal, but he doesn't know how. Giving him a road map is going to make both of you happier.
Continue Working On Self Doubt: I often find that the last piece of the puzzle (and the one which is often ignored) is the self esteem and self worth of the spouse who was cheated on. So often, people tell me that their spouses are doing everything right, that they've spoken up and asked for what they need, but they still fell like a victim, like they should have a sign which says "walking wounded" on their foreheads. Sometimes, they will say "well, we tried everything we could, but I still don't feel that I can trust him. I still can't get over this affair. I guess it's time to end the marriage."
At this point, I always ask what has been done to restore self esteem. People think I am crazy when I ask this, but I know if self esteem isn't healed, then the marriage still has a gaping hole and huge vulnerability. Why? Because you're never really going to believe that your husband finds you desirable or worthwhile no matter what he does or says if you don't believe this yourself.
The only way to know he is telling the truth is to know the truth about yourself that you are still the vibrant, loving, desirable woman you were before the affair. One act should not change that. If you need to, spend some alone time with yourself. Do the things that make you feel pretty and confident. Focus just on yourself, not on yourself as part of a marriage. It's vital that your restore your self confidence or all of the attempts to fix your marriage are really just built upon a teetering stack of cards waiting to fall down.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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