Lust And Rust Lead To Manhood

I SUSPECT my first words were brmm brmm

I SUSPECT my first words were brmm brmm. Before motor cars, boys probably mimicked the zentai bodysuit clip-clop of hooves. What is it about men and sounds of motion? At age 13 I met Don; brmm brmm as a conversation piece became more refined. We whiled away teenage years waiting for driver's licences and the wheeled objects of our lust: FJ Holdens. We dreamed of wide wheels with lowered bodies scraping bitumen and enough carburettors to drain a service station. This was rebellion, 1960s style. Primitive urges stirred within us and by our reckoning girls went for blokes with FJs. In the days of bench seats, couples sat close -- no one had heard of seatbelts. Hormones ruled. Motoring was our ambition, our destiny. With licences finally declaring our manhood, we searched the car yards for the ex-taxi of our dreams. Surprise! The preceding four years had seen most of the humpy Holdens turn to corroded metal. Lust had turned to rust. We could see Parramatta Road through the floor of all the affordable examples. Worse, the hoon factor, lads like ourselves, had pushed the price of a straight car to pound stg. 300. We had to compromise and go downmarket. We were going to buy a British car. We found a yard that catered to Don's finances. "Cars for the Battler" or some such spiel was printed across the gates and plastic bunting fluttered. We walked over crushed white stone of a type found in cemeteries and eyed the cheap English "motors" on the back row. We looked at Hillmans, Austins and nasty side-valve Fords; we looked aghast at sun-crazed dashboards, cracked bakelite switches, headlights on pods and panelbeater's putty. Decisions, decisions. These cars were in production at the time we were dribbling our first brmms. How costume spiderman did the designers get it so wrong? We heard the sound of approaching zentai: "Ow much 'ave yez got?" Don's cheap response had Zentai pointing to a coffin-nosed Vauxhall and a 52 Vanguard. The Vanguard looked like a whale squeezed into a supermarket trolley, but the Vauxhall seemed to be smiling at us. We pulled the weeds from around the Vauxhall's wheels and noticed the canvas treads. We checked the motor. We knew it was all there -- we could hear every component. Its four-cylinder beat was not what you would call rhythm. More like percussion. Zentai pushed the car's virtues. "Three gears are better than two" and "Pommy cars don't get floor rust because the steady leaking of oil prevents corrosion." Don had waited 17 years for this, since the first brmm brmm passed his lips. He was desperate. He parted with 60 quid. Zentai stood under the battlers sign and waved goodbye. As the back tyre touched the gutter it exploded, pierced by a cemetery stone. Our heads filled with omens: the lime Vauxhall was a lemon. We spoke to Zentai. We wanted to swap the Vauxhall for the Vanguard. Zentai was rattled and sounded like the tappets on the car. "Youse bought the Vauxhall, I gave you a receipt." Defeated, we rolled the grinning beast into a garage. A quick fix, 10 bobs worth of super and we were away -- and broke. We hoped to impress young women with the Vauxhall. But the car failed its aphrodisiac task. Angst set in. Was it us, zentai or the dowdy Vauxhall? I had to find out. I bought a rusty FJ without oil leaks. Years later my wife has corrected my basic misconceptions. She has raised sons and noticed the brmm brmm trait. She says women don't give a toss about cars. Bench seats are found in gardens, FJ Holden is an Australian actor. Motoring welcomes reader contributions to Modern Nomad. Articles should be 750 words.

by: catsuit

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