Marriage Counseling - Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

It's very rare that an abuser comes from a good solid home

, from a good healthy upbringing. By no means am I trying to excuse abusive behaviour, I'm merely trying to shed some light on the issue of abuse and how it comes to exist, how it infiltrates and destroys a marriage and a family, many times through several generations.Fear for emotional and physical safety is an obvious sign of an abused person. Their feelings and thoughts are not respected. Erratic feelings of love and hate for the abused party is pervasive in most abusive relationships. The abused individual finds hope in this situation. They make a rationalizations about the abuser because they are not all bad, sometimes they're very nice and kind. Lavish acts of tenderness and affection are regularly preceeded by abusive conduct. The goal is to minimize and discount bad personal conduct by performing one or more acts of kindness. As a result, the worse the behaviour, the greater and more grand the efforts to restore trust and instil hope for the relationship.Confusion is common in people who are regularly being mistreated/abused. Sadly, they don't trust themselve to make a correct judgement regarding their situation. Feelings of disbelief and shock are normal for people who are suffering from abuse for the first time in their marriage. This shock can be very debilitating if they've never experienced it before.Physical abuse is almost always accompanied by verbal assaults as well. These verbal expressions are usually done as a means of blaming the person who is being mistreated. It's common for many abused people to believe that they are somehow responsible and deserving of the abuse they are receiving. The abuser will blame their partner for their lot in life, for the challenges they have, for almost anything, and in a twisted manner, work to connect this blame to the abusive behaviour.The erroneous belief that they are responsible for reforming their spouse can often keep an abused person trapped in a destructive relationship situation. They don't want to acknowledge that they have fallen short in their attempt to reform them, so they avoid addressing the issue of abuse with their mate. Whether they're aware of it or not, they've set up a no win situation for themselves.Because of the shame they feel for allowing themselves to put up with the abuse for so long, reaching out for help can be extremely difficult for a mistreated spouse. They fear being viewed by others as weak, so they try and hide the truth about their challenging situation. They can be kept unnecessarily trapped due to feelings of shame.Isolating the abused person from relationships outside the home is essential to hiding the destructive behaviour. Never discussing family dynamics publically is a pattern of control that exists in highly abusive marriages and/or families. Many adult children who've come from abusive homes are ostracized and shut out by other family members for coming clean about the abusive home environment they grew up in.Cutting off connections to the outside world is a commonly employed tactic of an abusive mate towards their spouse. This makes it more difficult for their mate to objectively judge the health of their marriage and thus they increase their level of control over their spouse.Marriage can be difficult for the children who grow up in these homes that insist on this isolating behaviour. Compulsive or addictive behaviours are commonly developed as a result of being required to suppress their true feelings and thoughts. The fact that children mistakenly believe they are the root cause of the abusive behaviour in their family of origin, produces many of the negative living patterns they exhibit in adulthood.Two parties need to participate together for an abusive relationship to exist. Distinct roles are played by each mate, like actors in a play. If you or someone you know is being abused in their marriage or dating relationship, it's vital to find the courage to say no, and stop taking responsibility for the abusive person's behaviour. It's fine to have empathy and compassion for another person and the difficult experiences they've had in their past, but their painful experiences do not justify their abusive behaviour towards you or anyone else.

Marriage Counseling - Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

By: Chris Keenan

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