Marriage Is Not For Wimps.
"I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it
"I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it. If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster." ~Clint EastwoodLove isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical ~Trey Parker and Matt Stone
We began dating in November 1987. She already had two kids from a previous marriage. We were engaged in February '98 and married in June '98. 9 months later Selah was born, then Moriah in '91, and Jacob in '92. Then finally Ivory was born in '94. We were raising 6 kids by the time we were 33 years old.
Who and when to marry is never an easy decision, but it seemed right. We felt ready to get married back in 1987. We talked about everything. We saw each other everyday. We had loving supportive parents. Our family friends were excited for us. We were both old enough and committed to each other. She was beautiful, and she was crazy about me. We did the premarital counseling courses at our church. We were hard working responsible people.
How was I to predict what was going to happen on that beautiful wedding day in June? Married by my pastor in front of all my best friends. Everything was great and exciting. The wedding, the reception, the honeymoon, and pictures were all terrific. Plus, I was going to have guilt free sex.
We had our 4 children born at home. We went to church every Sunday. We never did drugs, smoked or drank for the 10 years we were married. My wife had great integrity and courage. We were both respected leaders in the church. We owned and operated a growing catering business. There were never issues of drama or unfaithfulness. We had a good marriage. Then something happened. Our ship hit an iceberg and began to sink into an ocean of depression, crime, drugs, unfaithfulness, prison time, and heartbreak.
Oh, I suppose a person could look back and say, "What the hell were you thinking, Phil? She had issues growing up, you didn't complete your degree, and she had been married before." BS. Yeah, what was I supposed to do? Call off the wedding because she had a less than perfect past? Can someone tell me who is completely immune from challenges in life? Everyone I know has had times of problems and difficult issues. Does that mean we throw out everyone who has had a tough past in their life? Someone could say I should have finished my college degree and got a good paying job before I got married. I'm sorry. Just because I wasn't a damn brain surgeon is no reason to cancel my wedding. I'll admit I am pretty naive when it comes to women. Maybe it's because I have so much respect for my mom and dad's marriage. I just have a hard time believing that a woman who loves me and her kids could possibly do anything to damage that. There were no red flags to tell me that 10 years down the road there would be a head on collision. No one could have predicted the living nightmare. So, I said, "I do" on my wedding day and I meant it. Would I have married this person if I knew what was going to happen 10 years into the future? Probably not. Was the hell I went through worth being the father to my 4 great kids? Yes.
Life Lesson:
1. Face it. We Cannot Predict The Future. Life can put us through storms beyond imagination. Marriage will test us. We cannot control people or how they cope with life. None of us know how strong we are until the storms of life hit us. Some people get tougher and some people run. We all want to live happily ever after. We all intend to be a good husband or wife when we say, "I do." However, there are very powerful forces in life that can easily tear apart the best of relationships.
2. Marry The Person You Can Believe In And Then Believe In The Person You Marry. If a person loves their partner then show faith in that man or woman. Is it right to break up a relationship with someone you love because there is a "statistical chance" that something could go wrong? Here is a tip: A great way to ruin a relationship is to doubt and psychoanalyze that person's ability to have a good relationship. It is miserable to be with someone who is constantly worried about "a problem" or having to "fix" everything. Speaking from a man's perspective: mothering and scolding me does not help. I will begin to doubt my ability to keep my girl happy. Then I will shut down and submerge like a submarine. Instead of poking holes try patching holes.
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." Benjamin Franklin
It would be better not to marry at all if we are going to search out any hint of potential problems. We are all capable of screwing up a relationship. All we can do is our best to build up our partner and not search out every subtle flaw and issue. That includes doubting and criticizing ourselves.
3. Accept The Possibility Of Problems. Sure we should try to reduce the chance of relationship problems. But win or lose marriage can be a gamble. Over 50% end up in divorce and many times for ridiculous reasons. Divorce happens to the most dedicated, responsible, loving people. At the same time, many marriages stay solid through terrible situations. Then there are those who are "married" but are living in a miserable relationship. Who can know for certain how we will cope and adjust, as life gets more complicated? Marriage is not for wimps, crybabies, or cowards. Being married and in love does not guarantee protection from problems. Just being married will uncover dirt and skeletons by itself. There is no absolute formula to live happily ever after. We can spend all our time reading marital books, going to seminars, and watching videos and still find our marriage crashed on the rocks. My goodness, just trying to fix the relationship can lead to more problems. Problems happen. Don't be too surprised.
4. Look And Then Leap With Everything You've Got. Screw the odds. We all have weaknesses and are capable of being very selfish at times. So what do we do never commit to someone, never believe in someone, never marry anyone? That is not the answer. Any relationship can change and drift away with the wind. So what is the answer? The answer is talk to people who care about you then ...(gulp) go for it with everything you've got. Give it your best. It is possible to have a great happy marriage that lasts a lifetime. But, I just don't know how that happens for everyone. I do know that life happens and life changes. We cannot predict how hard or easy life will be, and don't bother trying to predict it. A good relationship for one day or several decades is a blessing. Appreciate your children and a loving partner always; and remember to let them know.
by: Phil Pellerin