My Husband Asked For A Separation. What Should I Do? What Can I Do?

My Husband Asked For A Separation

My Husband Asked For A Separation. What Should I Do? What Can I Do?

I often hear from wives who honestly feel that the separation that their husband is asking for means the end of their marriage. Very few of the wives who contact me feel good about the separation. Most see it as the first step on the unfortunate path to divorce. I often hear comments like: "my husband has just asked for a separation. I don't want one. I want to avoid this at all costs but I don't want to make things worse between us. What do I do?" Or "how are you supposed to proceed when your husband asks for separation. I understand the need to give him space, but I'm afraid if I back off, he's never going to come back."

These concerns are almost universal. Very few wives know how to respond when their husband is asking for a separation. And yet, many intuitively know that they've likely at a crossroads in their marriages and need to make the best decision possible. The following article will address some strategies to consider and things you might want to do when your husband has asked for a separation.

Trying To Decipher What He Really Wants When He Asks For A Separation: I think one huge issue in this situation is that the wife can be unsure as to what the husband is actually trying to accomplish. It's tempting to ask yourself if he just wants a break or space or if he is trying to ease you into a divorce. Does he really want time to think or does he want his freedom or to see other people? These types of questions can frustrate you and can drive you to act in a way that focuses on fear and negativity and makes things worse.

It's optimal if you can pinpoint what is driving him, but sometimes, even he can't completely define what it is he is looking for. I've had dialog with men in this situation and they often tell me that they just don't feel they can really dive into the issue under the same roof as their wife. They're just wanting some distance to feel their way and to reflect. This sounds vague. I know that it does. But often they're confused in the same way that they are and they think that distance is preferable to continuing to spin your wheels or struggle over the same old issues.

So as frustrating as it might be when he's so vague on why he's asking for the separation, sometimes you're better off focusing on where you go from here instead of focusing on why you got here.

Deciding If You're Going To Attempt To Change His Mind Or Offer A Compromise To The Separation: Many wives' first inclination is to make it their number one goal to change his mind about wanting a separation as soon as is possible. So, they go on a campaign of sorts to point out flaws with his thinking or with his plans. They insinuate that he's misreading the situation or being unreasonable or selfish. Even if all of these things are true, this strategy will often backfire because you're throwing fuel on an already raging fire. You may only reinforce his desire to be on his own as soon as he can swing it.

Another thing that many wives try is offering up a compromise. If you do this correctly, it can sometimes work. But you have to sort of feel your way and back up if he's not responsive. When you're both calm, you might try offering to leave the home yourself for a while or having him live in another area of the house with an understanding that you will honor his need for distance and space. This obviously means you don't have to worry about getting him to come back or move back in. The risk with this plan though is that it doesn't work and he sees the next step as a divorce. And, some women have a very hard time keeping up their end of the bargain in this scenario. They may fully intend to give him space, but how this plays out in real life is different than they intended.

Defining How The Separation Will Work And Allowing Small And Lasting Improvements: One of the biggest mistake that I think couples make in this situation is keeping the separation open ended. They take a wait and see approach and so nothing really happens and they aren't sure how to proceed. Since nothing has happened, they assume the separation was a failure and sometimes they see divorce as the next step. I realize that some husbands don't want to be pinned down or forced to define exactly what is going to happen, but it helps greatly to at least set some guidelines. How often will you check in with one another? Could you plan some scheduled meetings to just reconnect?

Another thing I want to stress is that there's a real tendency to see this whole process as all or nothing. In other words, every time you meet, you want to solve every problem plaguing you. This is really usually unrealistic and it can put some unbearable pressure on this situation. I believe that you are better off if you try to keep things light and just focus on having your interactions remain positive and upbeat. Ultimately, every time you check in, it should leave you thinking that it went so well you want to do it again soon. The idea is to build upon these small victories so that the connection between you has improved enough that both of you can see the possibility of not giving up. You don't want or need to solve every issue right now. This can come later after improvements in the connection have been made so that the commitment to saving the marriage returns.

After my husband asked for a separation, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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