My Husband Cheated, But I'm Doing All The Work To Save The Marriage
My Husband Cheated, But I'm Doing All The Work To Save The Marriage
I recently heard from a wife who was feeling a great deal of resentment for many reasons. About four months ago, she had found out her husband had cheated. After much soul searching, she decided that she wanted to hang in there and save the marriage. She was firm in her decision because of her children. As a child of divorce, she was determined that her children would grow up with both parents.
However, she was disappointed in the way that her husband was behaving. Even though he had repeatedly said he was sorry for the affair (and the wife believed he was sorry,) she felt as if she were the one who was making all of the effort and doing all the work. She said, in part: "I am the one doing all of the forgiving. I'm the one trying to put the marriage back together again. And, he's just going on with his regular life. How is this fair? I want to make this marriage work. But I'm sick of being the one who is having to make all of the changes. And yet, if I wait on my husband to meet me half way, I may be waiting a very long time. What can I do?"
This is a very common situation. And this wife was in a situation where she was feeling resentful and hopeless. On the one hand, she didn't know if she could go on this way. But on the other hand, she worried that if she made a big deal out of this, the marriage may become even further injured. I will give you my take on this in the following article.
Resentment Can Be As Devastating To The Marriage As The Cheating: People often tell me that they think cheating and affairs ruin marriages. This is true in many cases. But sometimes, it is the lack of trust, the anger, and the resentment that remains that actually ruins the marriage. And, this resentment can sort of sneak up on you. Because often, you will try to brush it away and tell yourself that you are or should be fine when you really aren't.
This was one of those situations where the wife suspected that just putting on a happy face or keeping a stiff upper lip was going to help things when it actually was potentially hurting her more than she possibly knew. She didn't want to say anything to her husband about this. But, from experience, I suspected that if she didn't, the resentment would fester and would be every bit as devastating to the marriage as the affair.
And, she had a right to these feelings. Yes, voicing them might create some short term conflict. But keeping them inside could ensure long term wounds that might not heal.
What To Do If You Feel Like You're Doing All The Work After His Cheating: As hard or as awkward as it may be to address this, doing so is often the right call. Sometimes, you have a perfect opportunity to do this when you snap as the result of your resentment. When this happens, you may just want to pause and say something like "I'm sorry I snapped at you. But I think that I did so because I'm feeling frustrated. Can we talk about this? Because I'm beginning to feel like I'm doing all of the work when the actions that put this whole thing in motion weren't even mine. I've made a decision to work with you to save the marriage. But at this point, I feel as if all the work is being done by me. Can we talk about what I need to see from you in order to move past this?"
Sometimes, a man will rise to the occasion after you have this discussion. Many times, they just don't know until you spell out for them what they need. And much of the time, they avoid talking about the cheating because they are afraid that it makes things worse or hurts you even more. Sometimes it helps if they know that you actually want a lot of involvement and participation from them. Also, remember that men just aren't as demonstrative as women. They sometimes have a hard time sharing their feelings, particularly when they aren't sure where they stand with you. You have to be very specific sometimes to get what you want.
Talking Care Of Yourself Is Every Bit As Important As Taking Care Of Your Marriage After His Cheating Or Affair: When many women are in this situation, they hyper focus on their husband, the marriage, and the cheating or affair. They never stop to focus on themselves and what they need and want. You really have to make caring for yourself a priority because sometimes, if you don't no one else will because every one is afraid to step on your toes or hurt your feelings.
If and when you take care of yourself, sometimes the things dealing with your marriage are a bit easier. And practicing extreme self care will often give you some insights and realizations that you would not have other wise had. This is so preferable to going through the motions or being the only one who is doing all the work and then resenting it.
Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is pretty high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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