My Husband Has Decided He's Through With Our Marriage
The other day, I received an email from a woman who said her husband came home from
work and announced that he was "through with being married." She was quite shocked and upset, and swore that there was no fight or major issues that proceeded or gave any warning that this was on the way. She wasn't sure how to proceed since she most definitely did not want a divorce or separation. In the following article, I'll share with you some of the advice that I gave her.
Putting His Being "Through With Marriage" Into Perspective: So early in the game, there really wasn't any indication as to how serious he was going to be about this little declaration. It's entirely possible that he was just having a dreadful day which he was projecting onto his marriage or his wife. And, he may well stew a couple of days, calm down, turn chilly, but then eventually come around.
Or, things could go the other way. He could be completely serious and was giving her warning that a separation or divorce was on the horizon. Perhaps he had been mulling this over for a while or had given off little clues that had been ignored or missed. Whatever the real scenario turned out to be, I advised her that she should use this as an opportunity to strengthen her marriage and to focus on the bond between them. This is always a good thing, even if the nudge that begins this process is painful.
Focus On Strengthening Your Bond Before You Dig Any Deeper As To What's Wrong: It was actually this wife's first inclination to get to the bottom of all this "through with marriage" business. Of course she wanted to know exactly what was behind this change of attitude. But, I know from experience and from watching this play out time and time again that focusing on what, exactly, is wrong may not be the best course of action.
Often, he is not going to be able to, or even willing to,articulate this anyway. I understand that you suspect that if you can figure out what he's basing this on, you can show him where his thinking is incorrect or just not accurate. But, it isn't likely that he's going to see this as your helping him out or clearing things up. No one likes to hear that they are wrong or not smart enough to see things for what they are (even if there is a shred of truth in this.)
You are typically better off working on lessening the tension and changing the perceptions before you begin exploring the whys. These things will likely become evident over time and if they don't, you're better off treading very lightly there and waiting until you're on more stable ground and are more closely bonded. Sure, you can't put this off forever. At some point, the issues will need to be identified and then addressed. But, now is probably not the best time for that.
Changing What Are Sometimes Incorrect Perceptions: Often when a husband one day proclaims he's "through" it's because that, for whatever reason, he perceives that the marriage is just no longer providing the pay off that makes it more desirable to stay than to go. Now, that's not to say that he's not absolutely wrong in this perception, but arguing or pointing out this fact is not likely to endear him to you. It will probably only make him defensive and, in his mind, he will go through all the arguments that will prove you wrong, which will actually work against you in a big way.
Your best bet is to position yourself as the patient, caring person who wants him to be happy and who is committed to helping him achieve this while still taking care of her own needs. To that end, you really have a few choices. You can sort of wait for the dust to settle and display the most upbeat, positive, light hearted, version of yourself. Or, you could offer to give him some space, an ear to listen, or any support that he needs since it's obvious he's struggling and having a difficult time right now.
How you proceed next is going to depend on how he reacts. But, always remember that what you say and do is contributing to those perceptions which are so important right now. Because, at the end of the day, you need for his perceptions to change. You need for him to come to realize that he's better off in this marriage than outside of it. Sometimes, this will happen on it's own as the dust begins to settle and whatever issue he is dealing with will work itself out. And, other times, you'll need to put your best foot forward and put your patience at the forefront until you are able to show him that he's totally wrong that the marriage has a positive pay off for him and that he's better off staying put.
It was my husband who was "through" with the marriage (although I wasn't all that excited by it either, sometimes.) He felt that our marriage was completely over and often threatened to end it. And he wouldn't lift a finger to help me save it. I felt that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://isavedmymarriage.com/ My Husband Has Decided He's Through With Our Marriage
By: Leslie Cane
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