My Husband Says Our Marriage Isn't Making Him Happy
My Husband Says Our Marriage Isn't Making Him Happy
I recently received correspondence from a wife whose husband had spent the last several months moping around the house and letting her know that he just wasn't happy with their lives and in their marriage as he had been before. Every time the wife attempted to ask him for specifics about this, he would gave her vague responses like "I'm just not as happy as I could or should be. I don't want to think that this is all there is."
All of this was so upsetting to the wife. He wouldn't give her any specific things that she could do to address his unhappiness, but just hoping that things were going to improve were not working either. Things seemed to be getting progressively worse and she feared that eventually, the husband was going eventually react to his unhappiness by leaving the home or wanting a divorce.
I very much understood this wife's plight, having been there myself. And I know from experience that the worst thing that you can do is to not take any action, hope it will just miraculously get better, or remain paralyzed by fear. Instead, you will usually get better results if you are proactive and see the advantages that you do have. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Know That Your Husband Telling You That He Could Be Happier Can Be An Advantage: I know that you're probably thinking that this phrase is crazy, but please hear me out. I can't tell you how many women email me and tell me that they only learned that their husband was this miserable when they were served with divorce papers. They never had this type of warning, but they certainly would have liked one. It may have made a real difference.
As much as it might hurt you to hear that he doesn't feel as happy as he should be, at least you are getting a heads up and have a chance to address this before you reach the point of no return. And yes, your husband could be wrong in his perceptions. You might very well be right when you think he just expects too much of you and the marriage. But unfortunately, his perceptions are his reality. He's very unlikely to change his mind because you want him to or because you're going to tell him that he's wrong.
He's much more likely to come to the realization that he was wrong AFTER you've been able to rebuild and bond again. But at the time when every one and everything seems wrong, he's unlikely to listen to reason. So instead of debating with him and watching as the two of you become more and more distant, deal with what's right in front of you in the most positive way that you can.
The Probable Source Of Your Husband's Unhappiness And How It's Affecting Your Marriage: You probably intuitively suspect that you are not the sole reason for your husband being a bit disappointed in life. Many times, he will project issues and problems from other areas of his life onto your marriage. Perhaps things aren't going well with his job and he doesn't feel as powerful and as competent as he would like. Maybe he's disappointed with his financial picture. Perhaps he's lacking energy or feeling stuck. Whatever the reason for his disappointments, it's quite probable that everything in his life that's wrong is not directly connected to your marriage. And deep down, he probably does realize this.
But many husbands expect their wives to make this "all better." And when you don't, he becomes a bit disappointed. And many times, he's also disappointed with the allocation of time and priorities. He might remember how things used to be when you were very tuned in with him and were his protection from the storms in his life. He likely misses that and is contrasting it with the way that things are now and doesn't like what he's seeing.
I know what you are probably thinking. If it were me, I'd be thinking "well, I'd like for him to be my rock also, but we have kids now and are grown ups. There are priorities that must be addressed. I'm doing the best I can but he expects too much."
And yes, you are probably right about this. But, from experience, I can tell you this. If you can reestablish the bond and the connection, this can go a very long way toward insulating the both of you from life's other disappointments. A "we" mentality proves that there is strength in numbers and can make a real difference.
Using What You Know About Your Relationship's Past To Help It Now: I know that things may seem dire right now. But there is an advantage that you may not have considered. You already know what a happy relationship with this man looks like. You know what it took to get the result that he is likely looking for now. Yes, admittedly, your reality today is different than it was then.
But nothing says that you can't revisit the things that used to bring the both of you happiness when you did them together. Nothing says that you can't show him a little extra attention and consideration right now. Often, these small efforts and your ability to remember what has worked in the past is going to lessen the tension. And, once you begin to build upon this, you will sometimes find that your husband stops projecting all of this other problems onto the marriage and instead finds some solace in it.
When my husband and I began rearranging our priorities and he became unhappy, I did not pay close enough attention and it almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand these principles and I went about addressing this in completely the wrong way. I ignored the obvious and this only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked very well. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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