Really Getting Over The Affair. Is It Even Possible?

Really Getting Over The Affair

Really Getting Over The Affair. Is It Even Possible?

I suppose it's because I often share my experience of how I was able to move past my husband's affair that I receive emails from women who ask things like "can I ever really get over the affair," or "will I really be able to move past this cheating and save my marriage," or "it's been long enough now that I should be able to get over the affair, but I just can't seem to."

I completely understand these feelings as I had them myself. And, because enough time has passed and I've heard so many similar stories, I know that there are often common issues that can keep a wife from being able to really heal and for all. I'll share these things will you in this article so that you can make sure you have everything you need to get over the affair for good.

Have You Been Heard And Understood?: Usually, the first question that I ask wives whose husbands have cheated is: "does he really understand what the affair did to you and how you feel about it? Does he really get, appreciate, and understand the consequences of his actions?" There is often a pause or an assertion of "well, I have told him, but I don't want to harp on it or bring out more negative problems in the marriage." I do understand that and I know first hand that many wives will choke back or push down how they really feel for fear of pushing their husbands further away.

Or, sometimes, I'll see the opposite extreme and the wife will be very clear and very vocal about exactly how betrayed and angry she is, but then she'll hold back on telling her husband that she would really like and need reassurance. Because she doesn't want to appear "weak," or "needy", or that she wants or needs anything at all from him.

Here's the problem with both of these tactics. If you don't get these feelings out, you will eventually feel very resentful and angry(even if you don't realize it) that you aren't getting what you need. And, because your needs aren't getting met, you will likely feel hopeless that anything is ever going to change or that you're ever going to get closure.

But, as nice as it would be if it were true, your husband can not read your mind. He's very afraid of doing the "wrong thing" right now or appearing to be an insensitive or pushy. So, he's waiting for his cue from you, and many women never provide this. So, what you have is two very frustrated people who really both want the same thing but aren't getting it and are only becoming more and more frustrated and distant over time. Don't be afraid to define and tell your husband exactly what you need. This is not selfish or punishing. It's absolutely necessary to really move on and safe your marriage.

Have You Restored Your Self Esteem After The Affair?: The other major issue that I often see is that the wife's self worth and self confidence has taken a huge hit from which it has never recovered. I have so many women tell me that they used to be confident, upbeat, and assertive before their husband's affair, but after it, they felt like a second class victim and just could not move past this feeling. So, they do nothing and they hope that in time this feeling will go away. The truth is, these feelings of inadequacy and damage rarely go away on their own (even with time, at least not completely enough.)

You will need to take the initiative to ensure that you are getting what you need. Many women skip this step because it feels foreign, weird, or selfish. They are so used to putting others first, that they can't imagine now putting themselves first. Understand though, that by taking care of yourself, you are benefiting every one around you. You can't give to others if you are empty.

And, you'll never believe that your husband still loves you and finds you desirable or sexy if you don't believe this about yourself. It's so important that you are honest with yourself about what may be holding you back. For some, it's appearance. For others, it's a perceived lack of skill, confidence, or competence. Whatever it is, you need to step out of your comfort zone and address it until it's no longer an issue. If you don't, it will keep coming up and manifesting itself in different destructive ways.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, you need to know without a doubt that you are a beautiful, complete, capable and worthy woman who is strong enough to handle whatever life throws her way. If you don't believe this, then you will likely always be worried that your husband is cheating again or that the other woman somehow had something that you didn't, or that deep down, something is wrong with you. None of these things are true, of course. They really aren't. The real truth is that you can get over this much in the same way that you've overcome other difficulties you've faced in life. It requires a conscious choice and caring about yourself enough to do the necessary work to pull yourself through.

Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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