Should I Hate My Husband's Mistress? Or Him? Why Hating Her Hurts You More Than It Hurts Her
The other day, I received an email from a woman who said
, in part: "my hatred for the woman that my husband cheated with is taking over my life. I am constantly thinking about how much I hate her and honestly, I'm thinking about confronting her face to face but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. How can I get over this? Is it normal to hate her this much?" I'll address these questions in the following article.
It's Normal To Hate Her "The Other Woman,"Or The Mistress, But Dwelling On Her Hurts You, Not Her: It's absolutely normal to hate and loathe her. She's dealt you a huge blow and has conducted herself in a way that is lacking in integrity and decency. And, because it can be difficult to constantly direct your anger at your husband (especially if you are trying to work things out with him,)it can seem more natural to direct all of your anger at her. And, because you may not know her well, it's very easy to project every negative behavior and personality trait onto her.
That's not to say that she doesn't deserve it. Her actions were deplorable so it's completely natural for your feelings about her to follow suit. With that said though, it can be detrimental to your own ability to move forward if youplace most of your focus on her rather than on you. Don't allow yourself to fall into the abyss of these negative feelings so that you are unable to move forward. It's important to realize that you do not want to remain stuck here forever. In order for you to feel better and to return to a healthy place, you will need to eventually put her, and this experience, behind you. And you can not do this if you are dwelling on her.
As far as confronting her, I understand why you would want to do this. Icertainly wanted to do it also. But, it so often turns out so badly. You often do not get the closure, or the reaction, that you want. She will often give you even more things to think about and dwell on, and frankly, by coming to her, you really are giving her more power and control than she deserves.
What she most likely fears the most is for you (and your husband) to carry on as though she never existed. Your happiness runs counter to her intentions. So, it's important to understand that what would probably affect her the most is for you to return to a happy place of peace. I realize that this is easier said than done, but always keep in mind that YOU are in control of your own life, not her.
In truth, your anger at her is normal, but allowing it to keep you from moving forward only hurts you, not her. That's not to say that you need to forgive her or force yourself to think happy thoughts when you don't. But, separate your feelings from your actions. Do not let your negative feelings about her to leak into your own life or affect the way that you feel about yourself.
Yes, you can absolutely hate her, her actions, and what she did to your marriage. But, at the end of the day, what really matters is where you go from here. It's very likely that you don't want to dwell in this place for longer than you have to. Do not allow her to hurt you anymore than she already has. Ensure the exact opposite of what she wants to happen the fact that you can be happy, and whole, again.
I know that struggling with these negative emotions are difficult, but use them to propel you forward to take some positive action. Move toward where you want to go. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it.I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/ Should I Hate My Husband's Mistress? Or Him? Why Hating Her Hurts You More Than It Hurts Her
By: Katie Lersch
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Should I Hate My Husband's Mistress? Or Him? Why Hating Her Hurts You More Than It Hurts Her