Some Intimacy Issues In Men
"Men have a lot of of intimacy issues
"Men have a lot of of intimacy issues. They should admit them even if it hurts their egos," a woman was telling me recently. I didn't think she appreciated men's problems in talking about intimacy issues. Men have been trained from childhood not to talk about their feelings -- the source of the fear of intimacy in men. Women think of intimacy as emotional intimacy; whereas for men physical intimacy is intimacy's definition.
I thought her observations were useful; although her suggestions of what men should do were unlikely to be applied. I'm passing on her observations about the intimacy issues men have with my own comments in parentheses.
She goes on: There are many embarrassing intimacy issues that men should admit in front of their partners, and their partners should take the confessions with respect and understanding. Men admitting to their intimacy issues must not be a turn off for women, because it is a key for better understanding to build a better relationship.
(Men are trained not to be vulnerable. If you betray the trust he shows in you by opening up, he won't give you a second chance.)
Here are some intimacy issues, according to her, that men should admit to their partners, along with her advice on how you should treat these confessions:
1. Addiction to porn. It's a new world now. Everyone has computers at home. Everyone has access to internet porn sites. Men have been visiting these sites since they were children. As a matter of fact, it is their main source of ideas on how to please you. Women should not take this negatively. It helps people learn how to satisfy each other.
(Of course, men would learn more about how to satisfy you from reading romance novels, but they don't. Since men are so visual in their sexual response, pornographic images appeal to them. For relieving tension, pornography is quick and effective and available whenever he wants it. But pornography doesn't fulfill his intimacy needs.)
2. Insecurities over sex and intimacy. If your partner reached orgasm before you reached climax, or some other problem, then do not berate him. If he sees that you are not satisfied with his performance, he feels that it is an insult to his manhood. Men should admit the problem and face their fears, and women should understand it as well, because it is natural. Help each other. Face and solve the problem rather than blaming.
(This is one of the intimacy issues that is very embarrassing for men. They are supposed to be able to satisfy women. It IS a central part of manhood. He desperately wants to satisfy you. Failure is very serious to a man. Positive psychology has shown that the best approach is to say that it is of limited scope: this one thing didn't work this one time. It doesn't mean anything about the rest of his life.)
3. Men are clueless about how to please you. Most men do not admit it, but it is true. Porn videos are their primary source of information. Even experienced men with all their ex's cannot even find the G-spot to begin with. The best solution to this problem is to do your part also. If he found your G-spot and you liked it, say so! Or just give a good series of oohh's and aaahh's. Men will love it, and it will be a win.
(Very true: Your man needs to please you, but he may not know how. He needs encouraging feedback on what he should do more of.)
4. A man feels rejected when you say "no." Saying no does not necessarily mean that you do not love him. Men may take it the wrong way, but it happens to most men. He thinks like a paranoid. He may think that you liked some other guy more than him.
(Your "no" means more to a man than to you. Intimacy to a man is physical intimacy. It is much more than just pleasure. Since men are trained not to be open about their emotions, they do not have emotional intimacy available. Physical intimacy is probably his sole source of intimacy, and he needs it from you.)
5. Men fear losing control. During intimate sex, a man wants to show that he is the captain of the ship, controlling everything. He does not realize the pleasure possible if he lets the woman take charge some times. He feels it is an insult to his performance if he loses control.
(Men have difficulty letting their women be in charge in all areas of life. A woman I talked to said about asking her husband to help around the house, "I don't want to dominate him. I just need help getting this job done." Maybe it's a remnant of the struggle to grow up: still fighting for his autonomy from the woman who dominated his childhood, his mother.)
Her points about intimacy issues in men are true enough, but I think the chances of men admitting these intimacy issues are not too high. Men would have to talk about feelings, at which they have no experience. And men would have to be vulnerable, which they have learned not to be. Men do best at precise, concrete communication about external things, and discussing these issues would take them out of their comfort zone. He will need to feel secure with you to be able to talk about these and other intimacy issues.
by: Thomas Christopher
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