Stop Your Divorce and Rescue Your Marriage
Stop Your Divorce and Rescue Your Marriage
Marriage is something special, it is the ultimate expression of two individuals love for each other, it is two people coming together to spend the rest of their lives together. At least that is the theory, and as theories go, it is a very popular one. Unfortunately like all great theories there are times that it does not work. There could be many reasons, a lack of compatibility, a breakdown in communication, whatever the reason it has brought you to the same outcome, you are teetering on the edge of a divorce, and you want to stop your divorce.
Did you ever in your worst nightmares expect to be in this position. I did not think so. Despite everything, you still love your spouse and you are pretty sure that your spouse loves you. It is just that some harsh words were spoken and it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a way back.
In order to stop your divorce, before you do your cards on the table routine, you need to try work out where things went wrong. Do not just look at things from your perspective, just because you see things a certain way it does not mean that the same is true about your spouse. Try and look at the greater picture and then you can think about trying to stop your divorce.
A breakdown in communication is probably the main reason that marriages fail. Communication brought you together, it kept you together, it saw you married, but when you got married you slowly but steadily stopped communicating. A lot of people seem to think that once they are married they will live happily ever after, wrong. It is when you get married that the real work of building a relationship begins.
The thing that ties you together is communication and sharing your lives together at a very deep level. If you are not communicating then how are you going to share your lives. If you are not sharing your lives then do you have a life together? No matter how difficult it is at this point you have to keep your lines of communication open with your spouse.
In order to stop your divorce there are some things that you really should not do. Words are cheap unless you can back them up with actions. No matter how sincere and genuine you are, there is no getting away from the fact that saying things like, "I have changed...things will get better...trust me," sounds just a bit pathetic. You do not want to appear desperate, no-one wants to be associated with the desperate. To be taken seriously you are going to have to show that you can change, and that if you say that you will do something, then you do it.
This is important, whatever you do, do not abuse the three most powerful words in any relationship. If spoken honestly then there is nothing more powerful than saying, "I love you." In your situation when you are desperate to stop your divorce, it could sound like emotional blackmail. If your spouse has any feelings for you, then if they perceive it as emotional blackmail, it could hammer an irreparable wedge between you.
As you have probably noticed, a divorce can generate a lot of hostility between a couple. When someone is verbally attacked it is only human nature to respond, this in turn worsens the situation, it feeds your spouses hostility, it gives them something to attack.
This will not be easy, but not matter what kind of abuse and recrimination you spouse hurls at you, do not respond to it. If you are denying them food for their hostility then you are denying them any reason to be hostile. If your partner has no way of feeding their hostility then they should start to regain control of their emotions. Once things have cooled then you can start communicating intelligently with each other to try make sense of things, and hopefully stop your divorce.
When you are single, your focus is on what is best for you. When you are married, the focus has to be on what is best for both of you. To stop your divorce, you both have to work together to find a way forward, you have to find the way together, and you both have to agree with the way.
While it is not always possible, try keep to your normal routine as much as possible. Do your share of the work around your home, and if you cannot be friendly then try keep it as amicable as possible. If you have to argue then do it in private as arguing in front of an audience is likely to make things worse. This is especially important if you have children, you want to limit as much damage to them as possible. If you have everything running smoothly then there will be less stress, and if there is less stress then it will be easier to try resolve your issues.
When you talk things through, you have to be rational and calm, and at all times work towards what is good for the marriage. Do not play the blame game and do not try to score points, it is childish and it just wastes your time. If tempers start to get heated then take a time out, but get back to the discussion as soon as things have calmed. If you are at fault for something then take responsibility for your actions, admit them and apologize for them. The chances are that neither of you is blameless and that you have both contributed to the situation.
Make sure that you both have the same ideas as to the direction of the marriage. If your ideas for the marriage are to different, if you are unable to chart a middle course, then it is probably not worth getting back together. It is not an equal relationship when one person decides all the moves irrespective of the others wishes.
You can stop your divorce, but both of you have to want to do it, and both of you have to be committed to the process of healing and rebuilding your marriage. Your problems will begin again if you stop communicating, communication binds you together, without communication what have you got? You need to keep your dialogue going and never stop communicating with each other. In order to build a happy, healthy, long-term relationship, you have to be able to share your lives and spend quality time together. Learn to take pleasure in each others company again and enjoy your time together.
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