Stoping Your Divorce Is Easier Than You Think...

How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to save

your marriage and to stop your divorce, Pt 5: Developing a Secure Sense of Self, Pt.2 - Your partner's mood

In Part One I wrote, "Generally when there's marriage problems & divorce is on the table or in the mix it's quickly clear to me that one (and usually both) partner has what's known as a "weak ego development". This doesn't mean someone isn't arrogant enough. It means they don't have a strong and fully developed internalized sense of themselves. What this means to you is if you don't have a strong and secure sense of self it's like your 8 y.o. version of yourself is still in charge. On the outside you may look like an adult, yet on the inside your thoughts, feelings, & attitudes are more reflective of a much younger version of you."

A second indicator of poor ego development, or, a weak sense of self revolves around your response (internal & external) to your partner's mood. when you or your partner have a weak sense of self this means to you your partner's mood dictates to you how you will respond. Your sense of self isn't strong enough to operate independently of your partner. What this means to you is a lot of your arguments and problems are a result of either you or your partner (or both of you) having a poor sense of self which is simply responding to each other's moods. This is a likely reason you or your spouse are looking to end your marriage - one of you (or both) is tired of dancing to your partner's beat.

If you or your partner is in a bad mood perhaps one of you feels you need to "walk on egg shells" because you don't want to upset them further. When your partner is angry you internalize their anger (meaning you think you caused them to get angry). Or perhaps for you your partner's anger symbolizes a need for you to make them happy; you want to cheer them up in some way, distract them from their anger, so they forget about their anger. Another possibility is your partner's mood dictates to you what you believe you can and cannot do. For example, if you partner's mood is unpredictable perhaps you check-in with them (disguised asking for permission from the perceived 'authority' or 'parent' in the relationship) to make sure it's OK for you to go get a drink with your buddy or to go shopping with your friend. Or if your partner is prone to anger or outbursts you don't speak your mind, share your feelings honestly, and avoid confrontation as much as possible; you ignore negative behavior out of fear your partner will basically rage.

If you have a weak sense of self your life is basically organized around your partner's mood out of fear of upsetting them (in your mind or reality). You don't advocate for yourself. You "play small". You ignore your real self; your real thoughts, feelings, experiences, wants, needs, desires, hopes & dreams - so much so you may be completely out of touch with them. Having less than a fully developed sense of self means to you your partner's mood is the sun in which your life revolves around. It doesn't take long for someone to want to leave because they have realized they are tired of being untrue to themselves & don't believe they can be real with their partner.

When your partner's mood dictates your response you basically play the victim because you have convinced yourself there is nothing you can do about how your partner responds. Perhaps you think to stand up to them is to be unloving or insensitive. Maybe to voice a complaint feels to scary, so you stuff it. Perhaps actually checking out your thoughts and sharing your experience with your partner in order to find out what reality really is is out of the question for you because you (again) fear their response.

When you order your life, making decisions & choosing your words and action carefully as a result of how you perceive your partner's mood is to live in slavery. You are a slave to someone else's anger, sadness, happiness, wants, whims, fears & anxieties. You exist simply to counter their mood. It's like a game of chess - they move one way and you counter as to avoid the potential outcomes (imagined or real).

Structuring your life according to your partner's mood is similar to what a child does. A child has very few options and is in fact less powerful than the parent. For the most part children are unable to meet their own needs, and so a unconscious fear of death is understandable. However, you're an adult. You have the ability to take care of yourself, to get your own needs met, to advocate for yourself, you have power. Yet because of your weak sense of self you allow your partner's mood to deny your own rights and abilities - even if your partner is a normal person with a normal expression of feelings; your weak sense of self still isn't able to handle anything other than positive, consistently predictable emotions.

If this sounds familiar to you I hope you are beginning to have compassion on whomever has the desire to end the marriage. It's no fun when you feel powerless and hopeless for change, and the easy answer (and sometimes it feel like the only answer) is divorce. Perhaps you both feel like you're walking a high wire around each other. Take hope - this can change - if you want it to, and will do what I'll show you to do.

P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"

by: Saving Marriage Guaranteed

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