Surviving Infidelity in Your Marriage – Tips and Advice That May Help
Surviving Infidelity in Your Marriage Tips and Advice That May Help
In the lifetime of many women (and sometimes men too), there is no pain greater than infidelity. On our wedding day, most of us believed that our vows were sacred and were meant to be shared by only two. So, when yourspouse allows a third party into your relationship, the betrayal, pain, confusion, and resentment can come crashing down and hurt like nothing you've ever experienced. It can be so bad that you begin to feel as though nothing will ever be the same again.
And, you start to doubt yourself in so many seemingly unrelated ways. How could you have missed this? How could the world that you thought you knew be a total and complete lie? It's so easy to blame yourself, but you mustn't. And, although I know that it feels like this will never end, it certainly can. I'm living proof of that. Sometimes, an affair actually works to sort of shake out the dust of your life. Not only can you survive an affair, you can, if you play your cards right, thrive following it or in spite of it. I'll explain what I mean by this (and how to accomplish it) in the following article.
Don't Blame Yourself OrAllow Limits Or Pressure: First off, I want to tell you that whatever you're feeling is valid and is your right. Don't allow anyone to second guess your reaction or your feelings. There is no "normal" here so allow yourself to feel whatever comes and just go with it. Second, in no way is this your fault. People often cheat because of something that is lacking within them their self confidence takes a blow, they're dealing with a lot of stress and are looking for a quick fix, they doubt their level of attractiveness or competence, etc.
None of these things have anything directly to do with you and you can't fix these things for your spouse. Yes, you are suffering for their own inadequacies right now, but don't go so far as to blame yourself or to take responsibility for them. It simply isn't your fault or your place. Even if your marriage was struggling along or you ignored some warning signs, this decision was there's alone and they alone bear the responsibility for it. You don't.
Also, don't pressure yourself or try to process this with an eye toward how long it should take you to get over it. Don't worry about what others think. In fact, I often tell my readers to really be careful of who they tell. Because even really good friends will make comments that can set you back like: "I thought you would be better by now." Or in the opposite vein: "I can't believe you're letting him off the hook this quickly."Frankly, it is no one else's business. You will process this in your own time, however long or short that is. And, you don't need a second party constantly bringing this up and reminding you of it when you want a break.
Finally, it is often the cheating spouse who will apply the pressure. Of course, it's very uncomfortable for them to sit back and wonder where you are and how you're feeling, so they'll push for your forgiveness or they'll push for you to "let them in" or letthem know what you're thinking. Now, eventually, you will have to do these things if you want to save the marriage, but do them by your time table, not someone else's.
Get Whatever You Need To Help You Feel Secure And Confident Again: Probably the most persuasive thing that holds people back from moving on is just fear. Right now, you feel so awful that you are probably vowing to never feel this way again. So, trusting again is a huge, scary step. You don't want to allow yourself to be vulnerable again, for the risk of being right back where you are. I completely understand this and experienced it myself.
But, here's the rub. To again participate in a healthy relationship, you will have to eventually let down the walls. You may decide that this person won't be your husband or you may decide to save the marriage. Whatever you decide, one day, you will have to open yourheart again. But, this isn't as scary if you put some safeguards into place.
Are you worried about what he's doing after work? Make sure you ask that he calls and checks in for a while. Can't tolerate out of town trips or his hanging around with a promiscuous college buddy? Make sure these things are off limits. Worrying that he doesn't find you attractive? Dig deep and figure out if these thoughts are coming from your own head or insecurities. If so, define what bothers you about yourself and fix it. At the end of this process, you must know that you ARE attractive, desirable and sexy so that you aren't always worrying about what's (or who's) more alluring out there. You must know that if he isn't faithful to you, that's his problem because you are completely worthy by anyone's standards.
Knowing That You Will Be Completely OK No Matter What: Here's the real secret behind surviving infidelity. In order for you to open yourself up again and lay another foundation, you must, at your core, know that you're going to be OK no matter what. You must know that your happiness and self worth isn't derived from someone else or their actions.
You must know that you deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship that fulfills you. If that is with your husband, so be it. If not, that's OK too. Now, with that said, I can say with all honesty that it's not at all uncommon for marriages to thrive after infidelity providing that both parties do the work needed to figure out what went wrong and to fix it.
The result is often a marriage in which neither party takes the other for granted and both are very observant and responsive to what's going on within it. Often communication, affection, and intimacy improves so that the resulting marriage is one that does not require you to worry or look back, and this is the point where you're not only surviving, you're thriving.
I know that surviving infidelity is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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