Take The Responsibility of Your Emotions
Take The Responsibility of Your Emotions
Take The Responsibility of Your Emotions
It sounds easy and most of us believe we do all the time. Of course I take the responsibility of my emotions. I am a responsible man! Well... This is not totally true. Especially in relationships we wrongly accuse the other of being responsible for how we feel.
It is very clever because that means that if people become mad at each other, it is necessarily the other's fault. It is because YOU keep on forgetting to put the toilet seat down that I am angry. Or it is because YOU squeeze the toothpaste's tube all over instead of from down and up that I become angry.
Now, wait a minute! Is it to take responsibility?
Of course it is not!
Every time you become angry, you are giving the responsibility, or the fault, to another. It is because someone did or said something you don't want this person to do or to say. The problem is just that you aren't godlike and can't stop people from saying or doing things that you might not like. Let's take a situation to understand fully what happens. Let us say that your partner said something that made you angry. First, we cut the situation in A, B and C.
A is the Activator event. It is what happens. A can be something that is said or done to you. In this case, it is what has been said.
B is your Beliefs. The principles, the laws you have in your head. The way you see things and the way you believe some things should be or shouldn't be. We will come back to it in a minute.
C is the Consequence of what is happening. It is most often an emotion. It might be anger.
A: Your partner says something like: "you really are like your mother", for example.
B: You feel sad because it was said as something negative, and you think: How can he say that? He can't love me if he says that. No one will ever love me anyway. I am not worth it.
C: You are becoming distressed and depressive.
Now another scenario, same situation:
A: Your partner says something like: "you really are like your mother".
B: You feel sad because he said that and you think: How dares he say that? Who the heck does he think he is to speak to me this way? Well, I am going to show this nogoodnik...
C: Anger and violent reaction.
See? The same situation, understood in two very different ways led to two very different (and irrational) emotions and, of course, reactions.
But, in both cases, who is responsible for the emotion?
Yes, you are.
The partner may very well have said this to hurt you, or he may have said that in a totally other meaning. He might have thought about something completely different.
No matter what, if you don't take the responsibility of your feelings, you risk an argument which will go nowhere. And going back to your past to see why you feel this way won't change anything.
What will change things is, if you take the responsibility of your emotions and eventually take a talk from there:
A: Your partner says something like: "you really are like your mother".
B: You feel sad because he said that. You think he might not know how you feel about that.
C: You tell him that you'd rather not have him to compare you to your mother because it makes you feel sad.
Then it can evolve into a talk between the two of you that might make you change your opinion about your sad feelings about it. There are maybe no good reason for that. Or then it will be easier for him to remember not to compare you with your mother.
In both cases, you will evolve as a person and as a couple.
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