Taking Care of YOU in difficult times

Taking Care of YOU in difficult times

Taking Care of YOU in difficult times

When I listen to the instructions flight attendants recite before flying, I often look around at mothers with small children and wonder if they would actually follow them. I imagine they say to themselves, "Yeah right - I'll take care of my kid first thank you very much."

Ironically, the advice is excellent and extends to many other areas of life, including the painful realm of divorce.

Recently I was speaking with a client who is getting ready to separate. My client is a very nice lady whose relationship with her husband has deteriorated over the past 20 years to the point that even the smallest thing now turns him into an angry maniac, yelling at the tiniest problem.

The way she told her story was interesting. She told story after story of taking a verbal haranguing herself, blocking the kids from directly experiencing the wrath of her husband when the kids might have committed such crimes as leaving the toothpaste cap off, or not cleaning up their rooms. In the past she used to argue back and he would get angry. These days she just hangs her head and thinks, "Next month...he'll be gone next month...". But this seems to make him even angrier...

The question I asked her was a difficult one: what is the message your kids are getting? Are they learning their father is right to yell? Are they thinking their mom is a wimp? Are you teaching them that it's okay to get steamrolled?

I know it's not so simple, and it's easy to talk from the safe sidelines; I'm not advocating she yell back, throw stuff around or put herself or her kids in a position to be hurt.

The distinction is this: the lesson that she wants the kids to learn from her own behaviour should be included in her thinking when she deals with her husband's anger - it needs to be on the table as well as knowing he's almost out of there, and her own buried, suppressed, or denied feelings.

Being mindful that her interactions with her soon-to-be-ex are mini-lessons that her kids may take as instructions on how to behave, she might just find a way to adjust her responses, showing the kids how to behave with an angry person who is irrational and in truth, most likely is actually angry at something other than cookie crumbs on the kitchen floor.

When you ensure that your needs are taken care of, you will often find that people around you benefit significantly by following the lessons you teach...even though you aren't aware that you're teaching them.

When you take care of yourself first, you give those around you ideas of how (and permission) to take care of themselves as well

POST COMMENT

About HANOI - Vietnam WikiLeaks disclosures drive Manmohan Singh into corner Double heroes set for Scottish Open Genocide as coined by Raphael Lemkin Halong Bay - Vietnam HTC Desire: a deal worth a buy Easy Care for Finches Perfect Template On Time Thrill Adds Excitement To Life Break the lazy bone Start Flood Restoration As Quickly As Possible Lifetime Of Change Just One Percent A Day Points to be remembered while applying for a green card