Temper Tantrums - What Are They & The Best Way To Deal With Them

Temper Tantrums - What Are They & The Best Way To Deal With Them

A temper tantrum is something most parents worry about having to deal with. We hear phrases like the "terrible twos" and worry that our children are on the borderline of it when they start getting closer to 2. Temper tantrums are not fun to witness and usually occur when a child doesn't get their own way because they are upset and this is the only way they know how to express themselves.

A temper tantrum shows a child's inability to control their emotions well. This is natural, in that a child needs to learn how to cope with the human spectrum of emotions and how to express them effectively.

Children naturally want to assert their independence, however as parents we have to set age-specific boundaries in order to protect them and help them grow. When a child asserts their independence and is given a "no" or are told they are unable to do something or go somewhere, it can be upsetting. A child does not necessarily have the vocabulary to be able to express their feelings adequately and this can lead to frustration. Thus a response to being told no and to feeling frustrated is an emotional outburst or tantrum. The tantrum is the only way that children know how to express themselves.

Many parents believe you should ignore a child or leave the room if they are having a tantrum as giving attention to it is giving your child what they want and thus reinforcing the behaviour to happen in the future. I disagree and in my experience with my son have found Naomi Aldort's advice in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, to have given me the most satisfying and best solution to tantrums. My son is nearly 3 now and has only had one or two tantrums and usually just gets a little upset. I believe this is because I did not ignore him during his tantrums.

How I dealt with them was, when he got upset I would let him get on with it and be present. If I was at home then I would not have to remove him from a store or anything but if I was out I would take him outside or to the side and let him tantrum there. Generally he would get really upset and loud but I wouldn't add any more drama to it by ignoring him or telling him. I would just be present. This was his issue and he needs to learn to cope with the feelings that arise in him. Once he was done with his tantrum I would hold my hands out to offer him a hug and he would hug me. As time went on he learnt how to cope with his feelings more so and only generally gets really upset when he is tired. Usually now he is happy to just cry a little and get a hug from me.

By giving my son the space to express his emotions and to accept him wholly, I was able to give him the space he needed to learn how to cope with feelings that would arise in him, without judgment or adding drama.

It feels good to be there for him. It hasn't made him spoilt or made him a bad boy. He is well behaved and is respectful if he can't do something. Sometimes he might get upset and he gets his feelings out and then we continue with the day but that is it. We don't add drama to it, we give him the time and space to overcome his feelings.

Our society is all about ignoring our feelings, distracting ourselves and this isn't helpful for human development whether you are a child or an adult.

Keep in mind that your child is a person with thoughts and feelings of their own and you can't go far wrong. Children aren't born bad and their behaviour reflects needs and desires that are not being met for the most part. We, as parents, must ensure that they learn how to express themselves and cope with feelings and emotions without judgment or being reprimanded.

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