The Danger of Taking Your Marriage for Granted
The Danger of Taking Your Marriage for Granted
It is human nature to want to be valued, appreciated and nurtured. And when you think about it, these are the essential and fundamental qualities that keep a couple bonded together. They are the positive strokes from a spouse that make it easy to love in return. They are the essence of romance.
In contrast, when a couple lacks these positive strokes of regard, the relationship suffers and the partners drift apart. It's as if the bricks in the foundation of a house lack mortar. The foundation will eventually crumble and the house will fall down. How does this happen?
Start first by understanding how your relationship got into its present state.
Before the wedding during courtship, couples tend to make more effort to look good, show courtesy, and be romantic. They do this to "win" each other's approval and willingness to get married.
But at some point after the "honeymoon period" has ended, it's not uncommon for spouses to start taking each other for granted. One partner or the other may think that since they have made a lifelong commitment to love each other, that's enough.
Slowly, over time, the extra romantic gestures, thoughtfulness, expressions of appreciation, and sense of fun and adventure start falling by the wayside. This, in turn, affects the quality of the intimacy in the relationship and the satisfaction level.
At this point in the relationship, many spouses just accept the "status quo" as something that routinely happens as time goes by in a marriage. They figure that this is normal, that there's nothing they can do about it, and that what's most important is that they have made a commitment to each other by getting married. They view the marriage as a strong, permanent bond that will keep them together.
This is one of the myths that Allen Berger, Ph.D. addresses in his new book, Love Secrets Revealed: What Happy Couples Know About Having Great Sex, Deep Intimacy and a Lasting Connection (2006). According to Dr. Berger, the reality is that "Romantic relationships and marriages are held together with an extremely fragile emotional bond. Taking a relationship for granted is dangerous and will often result in tragedy."
He states that "...all romantic relationships have a 'fragile bond' that must be nurtured." He continues by saying that he has seen "hundreds of men and women who, after years of ignoring the quality of their relationships, express shock when a partner decides to leave. They'd based their entire future on the myth that marriage involves a lifelong commitment."
It's not enough to rely on a marriage license to hold your relationship together. Relationships need time, effort, energy, attention, and nourishment in order to thrive. Dr. Berger advises couples that "their first child is their relationship" and that this relationship "needs as much care and attention as a human infant."
It's not enough to say that spouses "shouldn't" walk away from their marriages or "shouldn't" divorce. The reality is that many unhappy spouses do walk out the door, and marriages do wither away and die a slow death.
Read through the following list and see if any of the behaviors mentioned apply to you and your marriage. Each behavior represents a "land mine" of trouble in a marriage:
1. "If your partner isn't complaining, everything is probably okay."
It's important to keep communication channels open and to take the time to routinely listen to your spouse and talk deeply about any issues or concerns. Don't take for granted that all is well if your communication has dried up.
2. "If you let your appearance go, it's no big deal."
No one likes to feel that their mate doesn't think they are worth the time and effort to look their best. Being taken for granted in this way won't keep your romantic and sex life sizzling.
3. "It doesn't matter that you've stopped doing the little romantic things to show that you really care."
When a partner stops making romantic and thoughtful gestures, the mate often concludes that the partner's love is lessening. The mate then feels taken for granted, and romantic feelings may dull.
4. "Now that you're married, you don't have to express appreciation or say 'thank you' as often."
When a partner doesn't show appreciation or say "thank you," the mate can feel unimportant and taken for granted. The mate may start thinking, "She's only married to me for my paycheck" or "He doesn't value my contributions to the marriage."
5. "If you're too busy (work, hobbies, friends, etc.) to spend quality time together and share some fun activities, it's okay because you'll make it up to your spouse later on."
People can't be "put on hold" for week, months, and years. Neither can relationships. If you take your spouse for granted in this way, you run the risk of losing your emotional connection and discovering that when you're finally ready to devote time to the relationship, your partner doesn't want to be with you.
The commitment you and your spouse made to each other at your wedding is unlikely to be enough to sustain your marriage at a high level of quality over a period of years. If you want more in your marriage month to month, you have to give more - consistently and continuously.
Remember, your relationship is like a garden. You have to care for it consciously and consistently if you want it to produce fruit. And we all want the fruit of love in our marriage, don't we?
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at http://www.ControllingSpouse.com She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" which is available athttp://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine . Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples who want to overcome relationship problems and create a rewarding, loving partnership.
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