The Etiquette Of Confrontation
The Etiquette Of Confrontation
The Etiquette Of Confrontation
Okay, you're not a particularly combative or confrontational person. The very thought makes you kind of sick to your stomach, but despite your best efforts, you have found yourself with a difficult boss, or a friend that has let you down, or a company that has not fulfilled their promise of service, any one of which require that you have to go and make your case against them in the strongest possible words.
It is very easy for a confrontation to go bad. Nobody likes being told they are wrong, and they can very quickly become defensive. The end result is nothing more than your standard run of the mill argument, from which nothing emerges but wounded feelings with no sense of purpose or closure. So how do you go about the business of confronting someone without risking serious battle scars?
First, decide if the issue is worth confrontation. Sometimes, it is far better to simply allow something to roll off as opposed to risking a relationship over it. Never make a confrontation on the spur of the moment. Always take the time to think it through thoroughly and decide if it truly warrants the effort.
Should you decide to press forward, go into the confrontation with a sense of hope, believing that this is going to be productive and bring about a satisfactory resolution. If you go in expecting a disaster, it is a pretty sure bet that that is exactly what you are going to get.
You should take the time to understand exactly where the other person is coming from. Basically, let them fire the opening shot by listening to and understanding their position, even if you disagree with it. This automatically levels the playing field and sets the stage for truly productive discourse and hopefully, resolution.
Just the facts, please. Despite the fact that Sgt. Joe Friday never once uttered this famous phrase throughout the run of the TV series DRAGNET, it is still a powerful piece of advice. One of the ways for you to guarantee a nasty confrontation with somebody is to hit them with your feelings right out of the box. If you accuse them of ignoring you or lying about you or whatever, you are making a bold accusation without benefit of substance. It is far better to say "I feel like you are ignoring me" or "I heard something that you supposedly said about me and just wanted to ask about it"..both disarm the other person and bring the anger level down quite a bit. They may still be defensive, even a little combative, but it will be infinitely better than an outright accusation.
If possible, make a list of the key points that you wish to address with the person and stick to them. You might even want to practice what you are going to say and how you are going to say it.
Make sure you take the time to relax and get your feelings and emotions under control before going into the confrontation. Do your best to breathe slowly and steadily as this will keep both your heart rate and blood pressure down.
Be aware of what sets you off. You want to avoid being pulled into a purely emotional response (namely an angry one). Take time to determine your hot buttons and develop alternative responses to each one.
If the other person starts to lose it, becoming angry, shouting, or using personal affronts, gently ask them why they are doing so in order to make them aware of their behavior. Resist the urge to respond in kind. Once both parties are lost in aggressive defense, all hope for a productive conversation is lost.
Do not allow the confrontation to become an argument. Confrontations are designed to address an issue and bring it to an acceptable resolution. Arguments are designed to sway one party or the other to a particular way of thinking, most often with negative results. By refusing to be pulled into an argument, you keep the discussion on a higher, more productive level.
If during the confrontation it becomes apparent that you were the one in the wrong, be willing to admit to it and offer to take whatever steps may be necessary to make it right. It takes a really big person to admit that they are wrong. Be that big person.
If things are too complicated or involved to successfully work out between the two of you, consider bringing in a third party mediator, somebody who is unbiased and uninvolved with the problem at hand. They can usually offer an objective point of view and help offer suggestions on how to deal with it.
None of us like the thought of confrontation, but sometimes it is necessary, and if handled properly, can be constructive and healing.
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