The Fashion Police
The Fashion Police
The Fashion Police
Have you ever looked at a woman and wondered if she owns a full-length mirror? Or wondered if the friendsshe hangs out with are blind, or just incredibly mean? There seems to be an abundance of women who, as my mother would say, "get dressed in the dark". Clothes are fun, and fashion is fun, but it's not supposed to be "Ha ha, everyone is laughing at you!", fun. Not all clothes look good on all women - but all women can look good. Come on ladies, you have to know that clothes are like choosing a career, that not everything suits everyone, and not everyone is suited to everything. And buying clothes is kind of like choosing a man, when you try them on for size, sometimes they just don't fit (pause to let the joke sink in). Women over forty shouldn't try to wear the trendy clothes meant for women half their age, the outlandish outfits worn by Hollywood stars and musicians only work if you're in show business, and fat women shouldn't wear tight fitting clothes. There I said it. No need to get indignant, I know you have all thought it at one time or another.
If someone were to set up a volunteer group of "fashion police", I think I'd be one of the first ones in line for the job (because as we know, TLC's "What Not To Wear" can't possibly find every bad dresser in the country). Not that I dress spectacularly (giving up one's career to be a stay at home mom to three kids really puts a crimp in the old wardrobe budget), but I believe all women are like beautiful gifts to the world, and the wrapping should reflect what's inside. If you wrap a diamond in neon pink, ripped, stretchy Lycra wrapping paper, do you really think anyone is going to notice the diamond at first glance? Fashion's rules are there to make women look good, and would save some of them from ridicule. We need to help those who are "fashionally challenged", and I would love to be deputized by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly (although someone would have to cough up the $5000 to give each person for a new wardrobe!). Everyone is truly beautiful in their own way, but if those around you can't see through the tears brought on by their fits of laughter, how are they suppose to see how stunning you really are?
The first women I would target, after I got my honorary "fashion police" badge and citation book, would be those poor souls with the misconception that if they dress twenty years younger, it'll somehow make them twenty years younger. Hey, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive, whatever age you are. But let me point out that pigtails were invented by some frustrated mother who wanted to keep her little girls hair off her face, not to tighten those age lines that have formed around your eyes. Call me old fashioned, but aren't mothers supposed to look like mothers? I don't mean that women above a certain age should resign themselves to wearing frumpy housedresses or muumuus, although I'm certain they would be a heck of a lot more comfortable than a tight leather mini skirt and stiletto heels. No, I just think that the life experience and respect earned by middle age women should somehow be reflected in their apparel. A well-tailored suit, classic cut pants and blouses, a simple, timeless hairstyle, and demure makeup, these work. Mid-drift baring tops, micro-minis, big hair and cosmetics applied with a putty knife, these don't work fora womanno matter how many candles were on her last birthday cake (unlessher place of employment is between the third and fourth lamppost from the corner).And another word of advice to all of you "ladies of a certain age" - cute only works if you haven't graduated from high school yet. Hey, most teenagers look stupid in the clothes they wear, why would you want to look like them anyway? Think Audrey Hepburn, not Alice in Wonderland. Be proud of the years behind you, don't try to fight father time with fashion. Leave that to those actresses that appear under the "Would You Be Caught Dead Wearing This?" captions in all the tabloids.
Middle age or not, have you seen some of the get ups those stars wear? I don't care if floral prints that look like my color blind grandmothers sofa from the 70's and shoes that look like cow hooves are in fashion, they look dumb. Even if some big name fashion designer gave me some wacky outfit for free, like they do for some of these celebrities, there's no way in hell I'd be seen out in public in it. Just because it has a designer name on it, doesn't mean it's a nice piece darlings. The pathetic thing is, not only do celebrities wear these monstrosities, they come up with some ludicrous hairstyle to go with the outfit, and somehow society turns the look into a trend. I don't care if "what's her name" looked like she hadn't washed her hair for a week when she put in an appearance at the Oscar ceremony this year and now it's all the rage, I'll be damned if I'm going to the grocery store looking like that. Whether it's "cool" or not, I absolutely refuse to walk around looking like some side show freak just because some well known performer looking for a bit of free publicity does. If you want to pay me her salary, I might consider it, but until then you can keep the five-inch platform shoes that make whoever wears them walk like Herman Munster. Who the hell invented those things anyway? They have to be one of the stupidest fashion trends I have seen in my life, and considering what was considered fashionable in the eighties when I was in my fashion prime, that's saying something. Not only are they the most unfeminine, awkward looking footwear to ever be designed, on the scale of practicality, they rate somewhere in the minus zone. Do you really want to lug around a pair of shoes that weigh five pounds each all day? I sure don't. Then again, if I did wear them, maybe I could save myself half an hour of cardio each week.
Speaking of the gym, you know it must have been some hard bodied, zero body fat, aerobics instructor who invented that ridiculous spandex fabric in the first place. Only someone with no figure flaws that need camouflaging could come up with the idea of a material that fits like the covering on an Oscar Myer hot dog. Hoping to make spandex a little more comfortable, with a little more give, but still providing that clingy, accentuating quality, some Einstein then took Spandex to it's next level and invented Lycra. Great, so now instead of helping to suck some of that fat in, that slinky little black dress merely adheres itself to every lump and bump on our bodies. And let me say for the record,only a select few actually lookgood in those "bandage dresses" by the designer "whose name we will not mention".
Wouldn't this be a perfect world if baggy cotton were considered sexy? Alas, it is not. In our world, tighter, shorter, insanely revealing is considered sexy. Barely there slip dresses, crop tops to show off our bought and paid for spray tan, skin tight butt crack revealing hip hugger pants to show off ourbelly button rings and back tattoos, they're all the rage. All well and fine, if you're built like a twenty thousand dollar a shoot Ford fashion model. Most women aren't. Yet there are so many women who insist upon trying to squeeze their size twelve figures into clothes that it doesn't even make sense to manufacture in anything over a size four. Don't do it ladies, fight the urge. You can be sexy without letting it all hang out. In fact, you'll be considered a hell of a lot more attractive if you don't. I know it's not fair, you should be able to wear whatever you are comfortable in, no matter what size you are. But just ask yourself, what do you want people to notice about you first? I know not many women fit into that one percent of the population who were born with a natural immunity to cellulite (I sure as hell don't), but even if you weren't, if you've got great legs, there's nothing wrong with wearing a shorter skirt. If you've got great boobs, hey, show a little cleavage. There are pluses and minus to every woman's figure, some of those models must have ugly feet, I swear. So, if you are accentuating all of your pluses, instead of what others judge to be your minuses, when you add them all up you'll show them all what a "ten" you are, instead of coming out looking like a zero. Or, you can just say to hell with what people think and wear what you want any way. And you can always move to Texas, I think "wear whatever the hell you want" is a mandatory fashion law there.
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