The Five Secrets Of The Conscious Communicator
Secret #1: Monitor Your Tone of Voice
Secret #1: Monitor Your Tone of Voice
The three main parts to the communication process are how you look, how you sound and what you say. When all three parts are congruent, messages are perceived clearly. A study by Professor Albert Moriabian concluded that when the parts are mismatched, we apply different weight to the three parts: 55% of the meaning we derive is from how it looks, 38% from how it sounds and 7% from words that are spoken.Conflict arises most often when there is a mismatch between words and tone. There is less likely to be a mismatch between how we look and how we sound because they are wired together. But tone is taken more personally, because it reflects emotional state. If your tone does not match your words, then your words become irrelevant and people only react to the tone.
To get your tone back on track, acknowledge your tone and state a direction: "I'm sorry I sound angry. It has nothing to do with you."
Secret #2: Let People Feel Understood First
An argument is nothing more than two people who want to be understood at the same time. If you put aside your needs and focus on understanding the other person, you reduce conflict. Your signal that people are not feeling heard and understood is if they repeat themselves. They want feedback to know if you heard and understood them. The best kind of initial feedback is backtracking. Repeat some of what the other person said -- from just a few sentences to a complete summary -- using their actual words. After backtracking, clarify. Backtracking shows you're listening, and clarifying shows you care to find out more. Together, this gives people the feeling of being understood.
Never assume you know what people are talking about; take nothing for granted and ask questions to help them clarify what they want to say. Imagine holding them up by their ankles and shaking out everything they have to say. Once they are emptied it will be easy to lead them. Only after you have confirmed that you understand them should you move to what you have to say. The harder you think it will be for them to hear what you have to say, the harder you should work at understanding of their point of view first.By making it your goal to understand the other person first you will also uncover the other three secrets of the Conscious Communicator, Positive Intent, Criteria, and Behavioral definitions.
Secret #3: Intent is PurposeIntent is the purpose behind an action or communication. For example:"In order to understand..." or "So we can put this behind us..."If you pay attention to the resolution phase of an argument, you will find people speaking intent that went misunderstood in the first place.
For example, "The reason I said that was...." or "I was only trying to help."
Speaking intent up front can avoid misunderstanding by orienting the other person to what you are trying to say. If you think of communication like a phone number, intent is the area code.
If you feel someone will take something the wrong way, project positive intent. This is when you make the assumption people have positive intent of others and communicate and act as if that is true. People will never deny your positive projections about them, even if it's not true: "I know you really care about teamwork" or "I have no doubt you want what's best."
Secret #4: Gather CriteriaCriteria are reasons for or against.
It's time to gather criteria when ideas are being discussed or people have a disagreement on point of view. Let's say you are at a meeting at which your team is deciding where to hold a Conscious Communication onsite program. Three different teammates have three different suggestions on where to hold the conference. One says at the office, another says at a hotel, and a third says at a resort. If you want to understand people first, you can't leave this at face value. Only by backtracking and clarifying can you find out each person's criteria. As it turns out, each person has highly valued criterion -- one is concerned with budget, one with keeping focused, and one with teamwork. Knowing the criteria makes it much more likely that they will be able to come to an agreement on where to hold the conference.
Secret #5: Behavioral Definitions
Words - especially those that define behavior - mean different things to different people. For example, some people define "listening" as quietly taking in everything another person is saying, while other people define "listening" as asking questions and sharing their own experiences. Any time you give feedback with the intention to influence behavior, use behavioral definitions. If you tell a person on your team that they need to be more committed but are not behaviorally specific, they might leave that meeting with the best of intentions, but change according to their definition of changing, not yours.You'll know it's time to get behavioral definitions if someone says to you, "You don't ______" -- and you know you do. Reply by saying with intent, "I would like to _____." Follow up with, "How do you know that I don't ____?"
Ask the positive first because otherwise it could sound challenging.
In Review
The Five Secrets of the Conscious Communicator are:
1. Monitor your tone of voice. If there is a mismatch between tone and words, acknowledge your tone to get back on track. 2. Let people feel understood first. Hold them upside down and shake them out. Help them clarify and get out whatever it is they have to say. Assume you don't know what people are talking about even if you think they do and clarify for specifics. 3. Pay attention to positive intent. If communication is a phone number, then intent is the area code. State your intentions up front to set up a clearer communication and project positive intent as you listen to others. 4. Discover criteria. The reason people like or dislike ideas or have a particular point of view is based on their criteria. Assume you know nothing until you find out the other person's criteria and vice versa. 5. Behavioral Definitions. These are important whenever feedback is being given and you want to influence behavior. Make sure both of you understand each other's behavioral definitions.When you wire these 5 Conscious Communication secrets into your behavior, you'll nip in the bud half the conflict in your life and be an agent of positive change for all of those around you.
by: Rick Brinkman
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