The Joy Of An Ex - Parenting Your Children Through Divorce
Divorce is a choice that adults make, and with that choice parents must remember that the children have rights and the adults have responsibilities
. If parents know what their children's rights are and always keep those rights in mind, children will build self-resilience and manage the changes that divorce brings. Research tells us that two key factors will influence a child's ability to cope through divorce. One is that children be able to continue to have a stable and meaningful relationship with each parent and the other is that children not be subjected to either conflict between parents or degradation of one or both parents. Parents need to know how to behave, how to parent, and how to respect their children's rights if they want to ensure their children cope during separation and thrive after divorce.
What are children's rights when it comes to divorce?
- To be reassured that they are safe and they will be well provided for.
- To know without a doubt that divorce is not their fault.
- To know that parents do not divorce their children and each parent will always be their parent.
- To understand that it is normal to have strong emotions about separation and divorce and it is okay to express their feelings.
- To be able to continue a relationship with both parents and extended family without any form of guilt or disapproval by anyone and to visit with all family.
- To not be a messenger between parents in anyway.
- To know they do not make the decisions about where they will live, when they see each parent, and who is to blame.
- To be able to be kids and not have to take on adult responsibilities like being a parent's confidante, companion or comforter.
- To continue to participate in extra curricular events and activities.
- To have private contact with the parent they are not physically with. This means the care giving parent may not eavesdrop or question before, during, or after the child's conversation.
- To ask questions and receive respectful age appropriate answers
- To be able to experience both parents' religious ideas, hobbies, interests and tastes in food without shame or guilt.
- To have consistent predictable boundaries and guidelines in each parent's home that ensures safety as well as structured and unstructured time in each household.
- To not be exposed to conflict between parents including witnessing the disputes or hearing about the concerns after the fact.
- To not be interrogated by either parent about the other parent or be asked to spy on the other parent.
- To have and display pictures of both parents.
- To have a space in each parents home for their belongings and have a say on how that place is arranged.
- To spend some quality one-on-one time with each parent to create and maintain a sense of closeness.
When it comes to how parents need to behave, there are some key concepts parents must keep in mind.
1) Parents need to remember that children perceive divorce differently than the adults involved, and it is important to ensure that children are not exposed to an adult perspective that may be detrimental.
2) If a parent is worried about finances and resentful that the economic quality of life may change, there is no need to inform their children of these concerns.
3) If the decision about the separation or divorce is final, and one parent is still having a hard time accepting this decision, it is important to not share the thoughts of blame or guilt with the children. This is a burden they do not need.
4) Neither parent should portray himself or herself as the victim and the other parent as the offender.
5) Always remember the child sees the other parent as part of them.
6) Anything that is said about either parent to the child is received as if you are talking about the child.
The key concept is be careful what you say when talking about the divorce or the other parent. All that your child needs to know is what concerns them directly, that it is not their fault, that they are loved, and that everything will be okay.
Copyright (c) 2011 Jackie Ramler
by: Jackie Ramler
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