The Passive Aggressive Partner
The Passive Aggressive Partner
The Passive Aggressive Partner
http://www.restartyourlife.info/?p=487
Here in Australia Magpies become very aggressive at certain times of the year, they swoop and attack people, particularly kids in bike helmets on their way to school, They're very territorial. One minute they are perched innocently on an overhead cable the next minute you are flailing wildly defending yourself from them. A friend once recounted a story along those lines to me, she was walking along a very busy road in inner city Melbourne to her tram stop, when suddenly out of nowhere a magpie attacked her. She responded as anyone would , arms flying and lashing out trying to protect her face and head. The attack went on for a few seconds and she fought it off valiantly eyes shut, striking out against her unseen enemy. Eventually she opened her eyes and realised the bird was long gone, her defence had been somewhat excessive. She looked over to the road and saw all the drivers staring at her with a mixture of pity and alarm. They hadn't seen the bird attack, they had seen her flailing wildly defending herself against absolutely nothing. My friend has a gift for story telling and when she recounted this the tears of laughter ran down my face, there she was in her business suit, forced to carry on as though nothing happened having made an absolute fool of herself.
Years later when I began to understand a bit more about passive aggressive behaviour that story came back to me. It is such a perfect metaphor for how it is to deal with a passive aggressive personality. The sudden and unexpected nature of their attacks and how they are able to swiftly retreat in to their nice guy' personas while you are still in the throes of defending yourself, making you look like some kind of unstable hyper sensitive hysteric.
I think my own take on it in a nutshell is, living with a passive aggressive person involves being constantly built up in order to be knocked down, sometimes knocked down very hard. If you are living with someone who somehow defers all of your plans while their own are always put into effect immediately than welcome to the world of the passive aggressive. If you live with someone whose catch phrase is that everything they do they do for you, when what they are doing is often against your express wishes you are in the PA partner club. As soon as you try to do something for yourself, it doesn't matter how well discussed and how emphatically they agreed with it in the planning stage, at some point they will find a way to sabotage it, they will become carefully and even kindly discouraging, unavailable to fulfil their part of the bargain e.g. helping with childcare; they will become busy and overwhelmed and require you deflect your energy to once again supporting them, and if all else fails they will even resort to becoming sick.
They will agree to everything that you want and promise you more, You will be filled with conflicted emotions, gratitude combined with resentment and you wont fully understand why. Their smoke and mirrors tricks will distract you from the fact that none of their promises were are fulfilled , instead you will just have that uneasy guilty feeling that all is not right.
The PA will tell you all the time what a great partner they are and how lucky you are to have them, and what a great parent they are, however they never initiate any activity with you or the family, it never occurs to them to think of others and others needs and how to service them beyond paying them lip service. You will hear a lot of worthy speeches and yet see no action. You will however often hear them take credit for your action.
When you are in a relationship with them, and to be in a relationship with such a person you do require low self esteem and zero self confidence, you blindly hope and believe that they will deliver on their promises, the years go by and it all becomes almost habitual.
Sometimes along the journey something will jolt you and you at the core of your being will feel that you have had enough. You will suddenly become acutely aware that you have needs and that none of them are being met. You will try to address this.
You will meet with resistance. It will begin passively, the odd subtle jibe, the usual hurdles put in your way, the guilt trips, it will gradually ramp up.
The ultimate act of Passive Aggression is when they realise that you are no longer compliant to them so they then embark on an affair. There are always plenty of eager needy desperate people willing to tell them whatever they want to hear, to lead the cheer squad when they deliver their standard old passive aggressive speech about how great they are. If someone is sufficiently desperate for a partner they will simply turn a blind eye to the fact that the person that is telling them how wonderful, reliable and honest they are is doing so behind the back of the person that they are committed to and that trusts them not to.......................more..........
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