The Top 10 Things Promise Keepers Has Learned About Men
The Top 10 Things Promise Keepers Has Learned About Men
After 15 years of the American phenomenon known as "Promise Keepers," it's worth asking, "Have men changed?" That's more than a decade of rallying men to the cry, "a man's man is a godly man." And nearly ten years after convening the largest religious gathering in the nation's history, "Stand in the Gap" in Washington, D.C., it's fair to wonderwhere are men today? At a deeper level than all the trademark men's events (more than 200 conferences since 1991), Promise Keepers is part of a larger Christian men's movement that is calling men to a 24/7 form of spirituality, and a vigorous, biblical standard of manhooda true challenge in this post-modern age. This turn-of-the-century movement had a few forerunners, most notably Dr. Edwin Louis Cole, who prayed, wrote and labored over ministry to men for decades before Promise Keepers hit the scene. The movement has flourished, and nearly 100 ministries are now aiming at men full time. Check out the National Coalition for Men's Ministries at www.ncmm.org. Once just a movement, Promise Keepers is now "on mission" to see men truly, deeply transformed. Economists speculate as best they can over answers for men's pocketbooks. Sociologists proclaim their answers for the big issues of community direction. Having narrowed our focus, Promise Keepers speaks directly to men's hearts and passions. *Survey Revelations*
Promise Keepers and Barna Research of Ventura, California surveyed 615 men in the fall of 2003, both from the general population of Christians and specifically from Promise Keepers' database. We found that family/children (42%) and money/career (39%) issues top the list of Christian men's felt needs, with health matters (20%) rounding out the top three. Overall, just one in eight men (13%) said that faith or spirituality represents one of their top challenges these days. When we asked specifically about spiritual needs, we found that many men either: (1.) could not think of any, or (2.) identified superficial goals. The upshot is that men need tangible tools and processes to use beyond the PK event so they can evaluate and address the health and growth of their own souls. This is a dramatic representation of the fact that men tend to compartmentalize the sacred and the secular, the personal and the professional. Promise Keepers works hard at imparting to men a spirituality that affects every area of life.
Some men have been radically changed by the impact of the high-energy experience of a Promise Keepers men's meeting. In fact, we are gratified that one-third of PK attendees (33%) said that the event caused a personal change to occur in their lives, and one in eight (13%) indicated that the event was one of the most significant, life-changing events they had experienced. Eight out of ten of those reporting significant life change said the changes took place in the areas of marriage and family. Others felt that PK had been a good experience, but it simply confirmed what they were already doing.
Anecdotally, our files and inbox are crammed with personal testimonials of enduring positive changes in marriages and family relationships, as well as vocational situations. But to restate the obvious, millions of men, even most men, have not changed. While we give thanks for the thousands of positive changes we hear about each year, we suspect that most men are merely going through the motions of life. Here is what we have learned about men. (The first five conclusions are drawn from the work of Steve Sonderman of Elmbrook Church in Brookfield, Wisconsin, whom we count as a co-laborer in the work of ministry to men.) *Men are Friendless* Whether due to genetic disposition, cultural norms or divine design, men find themselves relationally isolated, and therefore, it is difficult for men to make deep, lasting friendships. Most of the respondents to our Barna survey reported that they have an adequate, though not large, network of close friendships with other men. We discovered that the typical Christian man has about four deep, close friendships with other menabout three out of those four friends are Christians. Interestingly, we found that the number of close friends a man has seems to be correlated with their level of church satisfaction. In other words, the more friends a man has, the more satisfied he is with his church, or vice versa.
To probe how these friendships function, we queried respondents about how they would deal with a crisis in their family or job. Would they turn to Christian friends for assistance and advice or would they deal with it in some other way? We discovered that a minority of men42%said they would turn to Christian friends. These data suggest that even though men have what they consider to be close Christian friends in place, those relational networks do not typically get used effectively.
Part of Promise Keepers' mission is to "unite men." Are they getting the message about the importance of accountability groups? Overall, we found that one-third of the random sample (31%) and two-thirds of the PK list (65%) claims to be actively participating in a small group of men from their church that meets for accountability, Bible study, and prayer. It is great news that core adherents to the Promise Keepers message are getting the point about small groups, or as some put it, discipleship. *Men are Emotionally Isolated* For many men, apart from expressing anger, it is very difficult to share their emotions, to cry, or otherwise express that they have a need. In the early days of Promise Keepers, the message of being both "tough" and "tender" was perhaps strong tonic to many men confused by the changing roles and responsibilities they faced. The media archetypes of "macho man" or "Mr. Sensitive" were extreme caricatures. Men would ask, "Where's the balance?"
Jesus wept. And although it is not mentioned specifically in the New Testament, we are sure Jesus laughed. He showed his anger at the moneychangers in the temple and the Pharisees in the synagogue. He was tender with the woman at the well, and we can easily imagine him roughhousing with the disciples on their travels. Yet the classic American man finds it next to impossible to reveal his fears, weaknesses, pain, and other deep emotional needs.
*Men are Confused About Masculinity*
What does it really mean to be a man? What does a real man look like? Thanks primarily to the media moguls' intent on gender bending, or conversely, simplifying manhood to its most brutish elements, we are in a post-feminist haze. The brief media fad of metrosexuality never really caught wind. Those few guys getting spa treatments and tracking whether they are a "spring" or "fall" color are not that prevalent after all. What a privilege it has been to point men back in the direction of all that was good about manhood, including courage, integrity, and other long lost traits. However, simply restoring a sense of goodness, without creating conflicts over their most male characteristics, remains a challenge. Fortunately, we are not alone in the battle. Emerging church leader, Erwin McManus, is a powerful voice for bold manhood in this technological and disconnected age. His 2005 book, The Barbarian Way, celebrates a John the Baptist form of Christianity. Promise Keepers identifies with John's identity as a voice in the wilderness. "John's faith was raw and untamed. The barbarian way is about love, intimacy, passion, and sacrifice. Barbarians love to live and live to love. For them, God is life, and their mission is to reconnect humanity to Him." John Eldredge's Wild at Heart remains a Christian best-seller for the plain reason that men are grasping for clarity in the muddling cultural debate on manhood.
*Men are Success-driven*
Too often we find we are so driven that we will sacrifice our families and spend more time at work. The search for satisfaction at work comes at a cost to our home life. The reality of goal orientation by men struck home for me on a three-day road trip to Florida with my son. There was no awkward silence as we marked the miles. I enjoyed the dedicated time just hanging out with the last of my three children to leave home. "What could I have done better as your dad?" I asked. There was no great offense I had to deal with, thankfully. I was there for big events and ballgames. Still, the answer stung. "Dad, I just wish you were around more," he said. This is so important that at the Promise Keepers' end-of-the-year gathering, I instructed our staff to keep the overtime to a minimum. "Go home on time," I said. "Invest in your families." This simple factor in every man's life just doesn't go away. It is always a challenge, and for most of us working folks, it always will be. That is one reason why we need encouragement and accountability. Many, many Christian leaders have learned the hard way that the pursuit of success rarely satisfies. How much more noble and worthwhile it is to pursue significance over success. *Men are Spiritually Searching*
We asked men how well they thought their church does at meeting their needs as a man. Forty-two percent (42%) said that the Church does an "excellent" job at such matters. Most men find their churches to be marginally satisfactory when it came to the nine different ways of ministering to men. This indicator points out the challenge of Promise Number Five, which calls men to contribute to their congregations by honoring and praying for their pastor and by actively giving their time and old_resources. The Church in the United Statesand that's Church with a capital "C"finds itself uniquely challenged by the findings of George Barna in his latest book, Revolution, which tracks the migration of people away from the traditional church. Interestingly, Barna reports that these refugees are not migrating away from spirituality, nor are they leaving Christian community or Christian fellowship. It is just that the weekend "go-to-meeting" structure has failed to capture their hearts, and they are voting with their feet to find new ways of "doing church."
He describes these "revolutionaries" as having "no use for churches that play religious games. They eschew ministries that compromise our sinful nature to expand turf. They refuse to follow a preacher's personal visions rather than God's, and they won't donate one more dollar to man-made monuments." The faith experience they seek is "more robust, awe-inspiring, and transformational."
*The Church is Changing*
Barna lined up a heavy statistical weight on the side of church dissatisfaction (once a week worship, no conversions, secular worldview, most giving a mere three percent (3%) to charity, and divorce on par with non-Christians, etc., etc.). He also found that a surprising number of believers (5% of the general population) are finding spiritual expression through alternative faith-based communities, including house churches, family faith experiences, cyberchurch, independent worship events, and para-church activities.
Most importantly, Barna predicts the traditional congregational church will continue to hemorrhage, losing half its participants by 2025 to alternative faith communities, and to an arts and media-driven spirituality. The Church is finding new ways to respond to that zealous spiritual hunger. Promise Keepers is committed to the biblical Church, and we were founded with a deep and undying love for our pastors, whom Ephesians 4 says are God's gift to his people. Regardless of Barna's accuracy, Promise Keepers will point men to an active participation in the Church, with a capital C. *Promise Keepers/Men's Ministry* Must Adapt in the 21st Century Promise Keepers has leveled off since 2000, reaching about 200,000 men annually, primarily through conferences. At the same time, church attendance is falling, and that includes men. If we are going to be true to our mission, "to ignite and unite men to be passionate followers of Jesus Christ through the effective communication of the Seven Promises," Promise Keepers, like congregations, must find new ways to reach men. Technology will play a key role in reaching men, and the Internet offers unique interactive scenarios that will help our men become, and stay, connected. We are ramping up our investment into the Internet as a communications tool, as well as television, radio and cell phone technology.
The 2003 Barna study also bears out that men want relational connection, not just better Christian toys. Sixty percent (60%) of men surveyed by Barna agreed that Promise Keepers would be more attractive if there was a strong follow-up system to link men in friendships. We are investing in our year-round relational network called, "Ambassadors," in order to put a person at the center of connecting and inspiring men's groups citywide and region-wide.
*Pastors and Leaders are More Isolated*
We are not surprised that pastors and leaders are without the friendship and accountability that we preach is so necessary for healthy manhood. The fact that our spiritual leaders are isolated exacts a heavy toll on the congregation and on men's ministries. With pastors and leaders being more isolated, they need greater support and accountability more than just additional rank-and-file guys. Since effective biblical accountability must be invited, with whom will a pastor build trust? Wes Roberts, an author and counselor to pastors, wrote on the eve of our 1996 clergy conference in Atlanta, "Those who hit the wall,' burn out, yield to moral failure, or whatever, have avoided a group of caring people who will ask the hard questions. In many places, accountability is looked at as a form of spiritual police work' instead of as consistently nurturing and caring for the various needs of the pastors at their deepest levels." *Challenges Facing Men are Global* Allow me to generalize on a global scale. Men are the same everywhere. In comparison to what the Bible outlines for men, even beyond technological and cultural norms, too many men are found to be spiritually passive. Husbands are stretched to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Fathers worldwide correct their children harshly. Having profound respect for the gains in anthropology, I would not have presumed such a sweeping typecasting. But at a gathering of clergy from more than 50 nations who gathered to observe "Stand in the Gap" in Washington, D.C., there was a strong and vocal consensus that women were responsive to the Gospel, and men needed biblical encouragement more vigorously. Personally, I see the same reaction as I meet with diverse groups of pastors worldwide, in Latin America, in Asia, and most recently in the Caribbean. Modern missiology tells us that cultural distinctives must be respected and acknowledged for any effective Christian ministry. But knowing that men are wired similarly across the planet tells us that we carry good news for all men. *Women are Our Biggest Supporters* Men attending the 2003 Albany, New York Promise Keepers' conference heard the chanting and shouting as they walked toward the arena. Most thought it was a small band of mostly female protestors who have made a habit of jeering men as they enter the men's conferences. Imagine their surprise when the signs they saw read, "We love our men!!" and "Thanks for keeping your promises!!" More than a dozen women made their stand in support of their personal promise keepers. Scores of women showed up the following year, and the scene was repeated around the country as word spread. It is a widely known secret that women are the primary proponents of Promise Keepers. Who can say how many men were persuaded to come to a PK event by their insistent wives? We are finally catching on here at Promise Keepers' headquarters, and we are trying to reach out more to this faithful corps of women who know the value of men who keep their promises. Yes, we have press clippings from female columnists who came to investigate our "he-man" ways and found us likable. Testimonials from grateful women and daughters arrive after each event. Even in this century, women are speaking up on behalf of this mission to reach men. Few things are more encouraging. *A Global Vision* Our vision is "Men Transformed Worldwide." In order for men to be all that God created us to be, and to live our lives to our full potential, we must be born again. This can only be accomplished through trusting fully in Christ alone. _Tom Fortson, Ph.D., is president and CEO of Promise Keepers. He earned his Ph.D. in Organizational Management from Michigan State University. Dr. Fortson invites Christian counselors worldwide to join the mission to transform men as the first and best hope of restoring families. Web counselor plays a vital role for the welfare of society.
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