The Year of the Clown (2)

The Year of the Clown (2)

The Year of the Clown (2)

The Story of Heidi

When I was growing up, I always had a dog. My mother taught me how to train dogs and care for them. Here at St. Perer's there was a wonderful fenced in yard around the rectory and the convent was next door. The yard seemed to call for a dog,so I asked the pastor if he thought we could get a dog. I promised that I would care for it and train it, but since the other communbity of sisters with whom we lived did not want any kind of animal in the house, the dog would have to live at the rectory. I hoped that this would not last forever. Fr. Joe and the other priests agreed and a dog was asked for from the pulpit. A little later someone offered us a dog. I did not go to to see it, because I thought that particular breed would be too big.

Then within a few days,the principal called me to tell me that a dog had followed one of the children to school. It was a small puppy with a hole in her back leg. It was a cold January day and the puppy was shivering. I took her to the vet who said that he did not expect her to live, because she probably had distemper. He gave us santibiotics and told us that if she were still living in three weeks to bring her back for her shots. I felt that my mother had sent Heidi to me and so I prayed fervently for her healing. In three weeks, she received her distemper shots and in fact, she lived for fifteen years. She was a great source of joy, companionship and wisdom for me and for the many people to whom she endeared herself duirng her time in my ministry. She learned many tricks: sit up, balance a ball, dance, pray, get her blanket and most importantly to freze as I threw a little blanket around her and carred her to my bedroom like a load of wash. I'm sure she will be one of the first to meet me at the tunnel entrance and we shall walk the paths of heaven for all eternity.

Heidi helped me to find peace in the midst of my struggle with Dad's new home. One dream was especially powerful:

I was in Alaska. There was white snow on the ground and it was very sunny. I said, " I didn;t know it could be so beautiful in Alsaka." A boy led a group of us through the forest to an aninal shelter. An instructor gave us assignments of a spiritual nature. I completed my test and handed it in. Mine had a little picture of the beauty of the frigid place on it. I also gave him the copy of my questions. He highly praised me.

It seemed that I had past the test of finding beauty in the midst of pain. I found a beautiful quotation by Camus: " In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

Retreat Dreams

That summer I made a retreat at the Milford Center. It was filled with dreams. Usually during retreat I highly examined the past year and made numerous resolutions for the future, but during this retreat I was able to look at my shadow side with laughter and see how I could direct the energy into more creative areas. One night I cried for a friend who had been through many difficulties. Another night I reveled in the power of controversy as a means of promoting growth. And when my authoritarian shadow appeared shouting, "This is no playground," I understood that I was not used to truly enjoying my retreats. I also came to realize through the dream figures that one does not like to reflect on one's own short comings. Again and again, I saw a certain rigidity and extreme work ethic which frequently robbed me of the joy of spirit needed to live in freedom of spirit. Finally at the end of my retreat, a dream figure whom I greatly love and who encourages me frequently had " taught the children an Alleluia to which they could dance"

A friend had given me a copy of the poem, If I Found a Wistful Unicorn. It spoke in childlike terms of the simple things done out of love and of their power to stengthen the spirit and bring joy. It was then that I wasable to draw the children within me, dancing for joy.

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