Tiger Woods Endorses Sleeping Pills

They say a week is a long time in politics

They say a week is a long time in politics. In the world of celebrities, ten minutes can seem like a lifetime. Just a few moments before 2 a.m. a few mornings ago, Tiger Woods was one of the most bankable smiles in the world. If he took your money to tie his name to your product, you were guaranteed people would remember your brand. A few minutes after 2 a.m. a few mornings ago, the smile lost its natural feel and became something forced out through stressed lips. The record shows none of the TV adverts featuring the Tiger have aired since that fateful morning. He has disappeared from screens around the world except for all the gossip coverage. Now, whenever anyone thinks about Tiger, they are speculating on just what transgressions or sins he is guilty of.

Its remarkable how a simple traffic accident can have such a dramatic set of consequences. Heres the ultimate slow-motion collision between an SUV and a tree just outside Tigers residence. Hes up early in the morning and leaving home without his shoes, sitting at the wheel in just a pair of socks. He only manages to keep the vehicle under control for a few yards. Informed observers report him asleep on the sidewalk after the accident. Thats why the police tried to get a sample of his blood, suspecting him to be driving under the influence of painkillers, sleeping pills or some other mind-altering drugs. They felt there was sufficient evidence of disorientation and confusion to justify a subpoena. In the end, it came to nothing and the only charge is a technical driving offense. But the suspicion was there for all to see, not helped by Tigers repeated refusal to speak to the police. This is the arrogance of the man who thinks he can crash his SUV and not have to explain or justify what he was doing. But then there were the other stories about his mistresses and we all wondered whether an outraged Mrs Woods had attacked the Tiger with golf clubs.

And now a word from our own sponsors. As a site devoted to the promotion and sale of ambien we are pleased to welcome Tiger to our stable of celebrity users. With considerable delight, we turn to the latest stories. Normally, the talk about sleeping pills is rather boring. They run along the lines, Take one and you fall asleep. But, thanks to Rachel Uchitel, one of the alleged mistresses, she and the Tiger took ambien for the crazy sex. We confess to having no idea this drug was an aphrodisiac. But Rachel is clear on its red hot properties. You get into that haze and the sex just gets crazier, she explains. Pausing for a moment, this could be a reference to the struggle to stay awake long enough to complete the sex before falling asleep. It all seems somewhat perverse. Take a pill to fall asleep and then struggle to stay awake. Obviously the sex is not exhausting and tiring enough to help the couple fall asleep, so they get the sex and the falling asleep over in one crazy minute or so. Forget gatorade! Buy ambien! says the Tiger.

by: Amanda Patterson

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