Tips For Forgiving Infidelity
I get a lot of emails from spouses who tell me that they are really struggling with forgiving past infidelity
. Many of them don't want to give up on their marriages but they are having a very hard time moving past the hurt, the shock, and the betrayal. And, they don't know how to begin to pick up the pieces when they feel such anger and resentment every time they so much as look at their spouse.
They aren't sure how, with all of these negative feelings, they can even begin to think about forgiveness. However, they intuitively know that this "letting go" might be necessary to their marriage healing and to surviving this. I very much understand these struggles as I went through them myself. But, what Ieventually learned was that forgiveness was really not for him, or even for my marriage. It was for me. And it really did help.
In the following article, Iwill share some advice and tips that may help to move you toward forgiveness when you reach the point where you are ready to do so.
Don't Rush Forgiveness. Insincerity Is Worse Than Waiting: I won't say that forgiveness is not necessary because I believe that it is eventually. However, it is most certainly a lot to ask. There is going to be some healing, efforts,and acceptance necessary before you can genuinely offer your forgiveness.
Many people will sort of jump the gun on this because they want to "get it over with" or because they deep down suspect that they will never be able to genuinely offer this so they just takea deep breath and proclaim that they forgive when in fact they really don't. What happens next is often resentment because the spouse who was cheated on knows deep down that there is no real release or progress and the spouse who cheated will often wonder why, if you were able to forgive, are you still so angry, closed off, and bitter?
To avoid these misunderstandings, it's best to wait until you can generally offer what is really in your heart. Who's to say when this is going to be? Don't allow yourself to be rushed or pressured into this. It's so important that this comes from a genuine place and this often is not possible if you rush the process. Don't give away what you do not really have.
There is nothing wrong with taking the time you need and ensuring that you have the answers, apologies, explanations, and efforts that you need to know that your spouse is deserving of your forgiveness and that you can freely give it. This sometimes just takes time. It doesn't happen over night or just because you want for it to. This is often a gradual process that doesn't work in a linear way. Some days you may feel a little more receptive while the next you may be overcome with anger that you just can't seem to place and you wonder where it has come from.
What Forgiveness After Infidelity Really Means: A lot of people mistake offering the olive branch as letting the cheater off of the hook or wiping the slate clean. It does not mean these things. There is no way to negate what happened, nor should you try to do this. And offering forgiveness does not mean that all of your struggles are going to magically disappear. It also does not mean that you are no longer angry or hurt. It does not mean that you are not holding them accountable or demanding that things need to change andoften quite dramatically.
What it means instead is that this is a choice that you are making for your own best interests. You, yourself, want to be set free. You no longer want for the score keeping, the resentment, and the holding on so very tightly to hold you back, to hurt you, and to weigh you down. You are not, in the least, allowing them to get out of this without any rehabilitation. Absolutely not. He (or she) must be rehabilitated, the marriage must be improved, issues must be worked through and the trust must be restored. None of these things change with forgiveness.
You should still demand and expect that you will uncover why this happened, fix whatever needs to be fixed, and work tirelessly on creating a new and better marriage that works much better for the both of you. Forgiveness does not mean that you don't expect or demand this. It just means that you will do your best to be receptive and open while yourspouse is making this attempt because you are tired of living in fear, in the dark, and are alsoso very tired of feeling that you are getting less than you really do deserve.
I know that forgiving infidelity is a real struggle, but making the attempt can really be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/ Tips For Forgiving Infidelity
By: Katie Lersch
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