Truly Forgiving A Cheating Spouse: Is It Possible? If So, How?
Truly Forgiving A Cheating Spouse: Is It Possible
? If So, How?
I sometimes get emails from wives who read my infidelity articles. Yesterday, I got one which said "I know that I will never forget about his cheating. But, I do want to forgive. However, I'm having a lot of trouble with this. I just can't seem to let it go or get over the anger and the images that are in my head." I completely understand this from personal experience and I reassured her that these feelings were absolutely normal. However, there does come a time when you'll need to move on and forgive (should you chose to). In the following article, I'll offer advice and tips for those who want to forgive but are having a hard time doing so.
If You're Having Trouble Forgiving Your Spouse's Cheating, Check To Make Sure That You're Getting What You Need: Often when wives (and sometimes husbands) tell me that they aren't able to move on, I will attempt to make sure that he or she is getting everything thatthey need to heal. Sometimes, they are stuck because the cheating spouse is still holding back or isn't holding up his or her end of the bargain.
Is your spouse remorseful? Have they ended all contact with the other person? Do they freely participate in the work necessary to fix what has been broken? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Do they make their whereabouts available to you? Do they offer reassurance and patience? If you're not happy with the answers to these questions, by all means speak up and get what you need.
Although we like to believe they can, often our spouses don't know what we need unless we tell them. If you need more affection or reassurance, communicate this. If you'd like some time to sort things out without their hovering, that's all right too. It's so important that you are honest with yourself and then with them about what it's going to take to get you through this. Only you know that answer and there aren't any wrong answers. But, you often won't get what you need unless you ask for it.
Forgiveness Is More For You Than For Them: Another issue that I often see people struggle with is that they are afraid forgiveness is giving their spouse a free pass. People will often say things like "well, what does that say about me if I just let him off the hook after he cheated? It says I have no back bone or no self respect." This would be true if you didn't demand and get what you needed. But, if you've done the hard work necessary and your spouse has proven themselves to be remorseful, committed, and trustworthy, that is a different story.
No one goes through a marriage without making mistakes. We've all made them. Yes, an affair is one of the more serious and grave. But no one is perfect.I am by no meansdefending cheating, butthere is no spouse on earth that isn't going to occasionally cause their spouse pain or difficulty. Don't mistake forgiveness for letting them off the hook. It truly isn't. It's just your way of releasing the negative feelings that are holding you hostage. You're letting it go so that you can move on.
You can still make it very clear that by no means will you forget and by no means are you not still watching for suspicious behaviors and you will protect yourself if need be. However, it's fine to also make clear that you no longer want to live held in bondage by the negative emotions that are eating you alive. An existence based on fear, suspicion, and doubt is no real existence at all. For me, forgiveness was necessary so that I felt like I could breathe again.
Separating The Person From The Act: One important thing that is necessary to forgive a cheating spouse is the ability to separate thespouse from his cheating. What I mean by that is that you have to get to a place where you are able to also remember the good things that they've done (and that you've done together) without just focusing only on the cheating. This just takes time, but most people are able to eventually get to this place.
Sometimes, it helps to make a list of all of the kind, loving, and memorable things that your spouse has done. When I did this exercise, I became very emotional because there was no denying that the list outlining the good things that my husband had done over the years (loving father, supportive best friend, our family's protector) far outweighed (and was a much longer list) than the few undesirable actions, including the cheating.
When you are making this list, you'll often remember things you had forgotten. This was the case for me. I suddenly remembered how my husband never left my son's side when he was first diagnosed with epilepsy and was in the hospital. I remembered the man who put me through graduate school even when that meant working two jobs. I remembered the son in law who single handedly cared for my sick mother when I was unable to do it. I remembered the kitchen table he made me with his own two hands. There were so many things that the pain and hurt of the affair had caused me to forget.
Know That It Is Really A Conscious Decision: At the end of the day, forgiveness is really just a determined decision. Basically,you wake up one day and decide that you are ready to move forward. It's about deciding that you're not going to break up a family or throw away years of memories, hard work, love and commitment because of one mistake.
Surviving The Affair is a blog I put together to share my story. I know that this is a very difficult time, and that forgiveness can be elusive, but working through it can truly be worth the effort. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can check it out at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Mending Fences With Your Spouse Tricks and Tools to Catch a Cheating Spouse Signs And Signals Of A Cheating Spouse (part 2) How To Catch A Cheating Spouse Or Partner 6 No-Fail Gift Ideas for Your Spouse How To Win Back Your Spouse Punishment for cheating spouses Moving On And Forgiving Your Spouse's Affair: Why I Know It's Possible And Can Be Done How to Overcome It When Your Spouse Cheats Sneaky Signs of a Cheating Spouse - What to Look For in a Cheating Spouse How To Realate With Your Spouse How to Survive Infidelity - What to Do When You Find Out That Your Spouse is Cheating On You Signs of an Affair- How to Tell if Your Spouse is Cheating on You