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How to Create the Life You Want After Your Divorce: Characteristics to show you the
RIGHT way to create a life of abundance, love, fulfillment, passion, & happiness, Pt 4 Secure Sense of Self, Pt. 2 - Affect of Mood
In Part One I wrote, "Generally when there's problems in your relationships it's quickly clear to me that you have what's known as a "weak ego development". This doesn't mean someone isn't arrogant enough. It means they don't have a strong and fully developed internalized sense of themselves. What this means to you is if you don't have a strong and secure sense of self it's like your 8 y.o. version of yourself is still in charge. On the outside you may look like an adult, yet on the inside your thoughts, feelings, & attitudes are more reflective of a much younger version of you."
A second indicator of poor ego development, or, a weak sense of self revolves around your response (internal & external) to other's mood. When you have a weak sense of self this means to you others mood dictates to you how you will respond. Your sense of self isn't strong enough to operate independently of someone you care about or someone you perceive as an authority or person of power. What this means to you is a lot of your arguments and problems are a result of either you or someone you're in relationship with (or both of you) having a poor sense of self which is simply responding to each other's moods.
If you or someone you care about or see as an authority is in a bad mood perhaps you feel you need to "walk on egg shells" because you don't want to upset them further. When someone like this is angry you internalize their anger (meaning you think you caused them to get angry). Or perhaps for you someone's anger symbolizes a need for you to make them happy; you want to cheer them up in some way, distract them from their anger, so they forget about their anger. Another possibility is someone's mood dictates to you what you believe you can and cannot do. For example, if you someone you're in relationship with (friend, child, parent, co-worker, supervisor) has an unpredictable mood perhaps you check-in with them (disguised asking for permission from the perceived 'authority' or 'parent' in the relationship) to make sure it's OK for you to go get a drink with your buddy or to go shopping with your friend. Or if they are prone to anger or outbursts you don't speak your mind, share your feelings honestly, and avoid confrontation as much as possible; you ignore negative behavior out of fear someone will basically rage.
If you have a weak sense of self your life is basically organized around the mood of someone you care about, or who's acceptance or approval you want, out of fear of upsetting them (in your mind or reality). You don't advocate for yourself. You "play small". You ignore your real self; your real thoughts, feelings, experiences, wants, needs, desires, hopes & dreams - so much so you may be completely out of touch with them. Having less than a fully developed sense of self means to you someone else's mood is the sun in which your life revolves around.
When another's mood dictates your response you basically play the victim because you have convinced yourself there is nothing you can do about how your partner responds. Perhaps you think to stand up to them is to be unloving or insensitive. Maybe to voice a complaint feels too scary, so you stuff it. Perhaps actually checking out your thoughts and sharing your experience with someone in order to find out what reality really is is out of the question for you because you (again) fear their response.
When you order your life, making decisions & choosing your words and action carefully as a result of how you perceive another's mood is to live in slavery. You are a slave to someone else's anger, sadness, happiness, wants, whims, fears & anxieties. You exist simply to counter their mood. It's like a game of chess - they move one way and you counter as to avoid the potential outcomes (imagined or real).
Structuring your life according to someone else's mood is similar to what a child does. A child has very few options and is in fact less powerful than the parent. For the most part children are unable to meet their own needs, and so a unconscious fear of death is understandable. However, you're an adult. You have the ability to take care of yourself, to get your own needs met, to advocate for yourself, you have power. Yet because of your weak sense of self you allow another's mood to deny your own rights and abilities - even if the person is a normal person with a normal expression of feelings; your weak sense of self still isn't able to handle anything other than positive, consistently predictable emotions.
P.S.: Was this helpful to you? Did you learn something new or were you reminded of something you needed to be reminded of? I'd love to hear your comments or questions! If there's someone you care about & think this might be a benefit to them as well, do them a favor and "Pass it on!"
by: ProvenDivorceSupport.com
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