What Happens To A Marriage After An Affair
The other day, Ireceived an email from a wife who was reeling after learning of her husband's affair
. She had many questions for me, but the ones that she kept repeating were: "What happens now? What happens to marriages after an affair? Because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed tobe going from here." I'll tell you what I told her in the following article.
The Two Paths ThatCouples Often TakeAfter An Affair: Of course, what happens after the affair is going to depend greatly on the circumstances that surround it. There are many variables with this. Examples are the history of the couple, the status of their relationship before the affair, whether the affair is over and the cheater is remorseful, the ability of both parties to put in the effort and vulnerability needed to move on, and whether this is the first affair or the only destructive aspect of the relationship.
Often though,I see marriages after affairs go one of two ways. Some couples are able to band together, set their commitment as firm, and wade through the struggles together. That's not to say that they won't struggle or regress or be unsure sometimes. They most definitely will. But, at the end of the day, they dig in their heals, restore their commitment, wade through the muck, and emerge stronger as a result.
Some people in this category actually end up telling me that their marriages are stronger, more satisfying, less stressful, and more honest than it was before the affair. These are the people who are able to take the negative stimulator of the affair and use that to propel them forward to accept nothing less than the union that they have really wanted, but haven't fought for and demanded, until now.
The other possibility that Isee is couples who see the cheating as something that can not be healed. To these couples, a point of no return has been crossed. There is no going back from here. The cheating was unforgivable. This way of seeing things is just as valid as the first. Some people are just not even able to get over this betrayal and that can be OK.
But, it's very important not to let his affair set you back in other areas of your life or to hold you prisoner in distrust and suspicion. There is a real danger in avoiding intimacy and vulnerability in future relationships because you now fear that all partners are going to cheat on you and you vow to never be blindsided in this way again. The risk in this of course is that you won't have the intimacy that you deserve because you are holding back and are guarded. You likely won't feel that deep, unrestrained love that we feel when we go all out without letting fear get in the way.
This doesn't mean that you have to turn a blind eye on what has happened. That's impossible. But it's important to realize that this wasn't your fault and this doesn't have to define who you are or negatively affect your self esteem, your self worth, your relationships, and your ability to trust in the future.
Deciding Which Category You Are In: When I told the person who wrote the email the two paths Ioften see, she told me that she really did not know which path she would eventually take. She could not hate her husband. They had too much positive history (as well as children) so she knew that she could not just turn her back on him and the marriage. But, she could not get past the affair either. It was always on her mind and the betrayal was always in her heart. She doubted that would ever be able to forget this.
I told her that you never forget. I know this from experience. It's not as if you forget or deny that it ever happened. You really don't. But, over time, as you are able to do the work needed to build you up and work through it, you begin to realize that it's taken a back seat to other, more positivethings that are now occupying your mind. You no longer allow the affair and the other woman to have a first class ticket to the forefront of your worries and anxieties. You realize that you are strong enough to handle this and to decide what deserves a place in your life and what doesn't. Eventually, you are able to separate your husband from what he did.
That's not to say that any of this comes easily. It doesn't. It took me a long time to get here and there were many times that I doubted my decision and wavered considerably. I think that it comes down to evaluating what works for you and how or if the marriage and the person has been rehabilitated to your satisfaction. The answers to this will be different for everyone. But, Ithink the most important thing is emerging from this as a stronger and better defined person.
This affair is something that you are not at fault for andyou donot deserve to serve a life sentence as a result of it. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, don't allow someone else's decisions or actions to define where your life will be and how plentiful your happiness will be.
Don't rush yourself to decide what happens from here. Take your time and don't allow yourself to be pressured. Eventually, healing can and does occur. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
What Happens To A Marriage After An Affair
By: Katie Lersch
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