What To Do When You Don't Want A Divorce, But Your Spouse Does
What To Do When You Don't Want A Divorce, But Your Spouse Does
Since my being able to prevent my own divorce isout there, (I write about it often), I'msometimes approached by folks whose husband or wife wants a divorce while they very much don't. This can feel like an impossible situation at times and it's easy to feel that you've lost all of your power and are out of options, but that doesn't have to be the case.
It's possible to save a marriage when you are the only one who wants to. It just requires a bit of determination, taking calculated steps, and adjusting and taking more steps depending on the reaction you get. Sometimes, you'll need to reevaluate and try something else, but other times you might find that you make real progress.
Of course, I don't know you and your spouse individually, but I have found that often times, no matter what is going on in your marriage or whyyour spouse wants to divorce, thebest methods for saving the marriageare most times universal. So, this article will discuss ways that you can prevent the divorce, even if you are the only one interestedin staying married right now.
Understand That You Can't Force Your Spouse To Change Their Mind About The Divorce, But You Can Change Your Actions To Make Them WANT To Stay: Here's where most spouses go wrong when they want to prevent a divorce. As it starts to become clear that the husband or wife is really serious about this divorce business and is going to move forward,people start to panic. They begin to believe that they have to take immediate and very dramatic action because they figure that thelonger there is distance between you, the harder it is going to be to save the marriage.
While I completely understand this logic (as I used to think the same thing), this thinking usually hurts rather than helps you because it contributes to your acting in a way that pushes your spouse further away and only confirms for them that they want to leave the situation.
What happens is that desperation will lead you to do things that you wouldn't normally do. You follow. You engage. You push your spouses buttons just to get a reaction. In short, you want them to pay attention to you so badlythat you're willing to take any attention (even if it is negative) that you can get. The problem here is that negative attention is only going to make you look more unattractive to your spouse.
If you really want your spouse's attention, why not surprise him or her with behavior that is going to elicit positive feelings instead of negative ones? This will bring your goal of saving the marriage closer rather than further away.
TurningNegativeFeelings IntoPositive Ones Is The Best Way To Change Your Spouses Mind About The Divorce: If your spouse is wanting a divorce, then it's pretty obvious that the negative feelings in your marriage outweigh the positives ones, at least right now. Whether you're going through a very stressful or crises situationthat has taxed the marriage or you've just grown apart gradually over time, you must get the positive feelings to return if you're going to prevent a divorce in the right way.
If you don't, you may luck out when, for whatever reason, your spouse has a change of heart, but if their heart isn't really in it, you're set up to repeat this process later. In the best case scenario, both partners are fully committed to staying in and saving the marriage. You can't get to this point until you've restored feelings of affection, appreciation, and empathy.
For just a minute, think back to when your first met your spouse and were first dating. I'm going to take a wild guess and bet that both of you lavished a lot of time and attention on the relationship and the result was a strong, intense bond which produced intense, positivefeelings.
And, I'd be willing to wager that when you were dating, any conflict was handled pretty quickly and without a lot of drama. People who are very much in love don't want to wastethe time that they could spend be happyby fighting. This is what being "in love" does for you. Because you are able to see your loved one through the lens of being deeply in love, the flaws or issues that would very much bother you about someone or something else do not come into play here.
That's why it's so vitally important that you can return to this place. It will make everything else so much easier.
Reintroducing Your Spouse To The Man Or Woman They First Fell In Love With Can Sometimes Change Their Mind About The Divorce And Save The Marriage: Again, I'm going to ask you to think back again to when you were dating. How similar are you right now to the person your spouse first fell in love with? I am not talking about looks or age, I'm talking about the things that really attracted your spouse to you when you were dating. Maybe it was your open heart, your ability to listen, yourability to make your spouse feel that they were the center of your world,or the fact that your spouse felt that youcompletely understood them.
Now think back and remember the situations or places in which these attributes most often manifested themselves. Then ask yourself how often your spouse sees these attributes in the situations or places you've remembered? (I'd be willing to bet not enough as this is the case in most marriages.)
Many people will ask me, "but how do I display the person he fell in love with when he / she won't give me the time of day? He / she is not even going to notice." I am going to bet that they WILL notice. While I don't want you to tell them what you are doing or be so obvious about it that they won't think you are sincere, I want you to show them, with your actions, that things in your marriage are changing (for the better.)
Portraying yourself in a cooperative rather than combative light is going to erase a lot of tension in the marriage pretty quickly. At first, your spouse may wonder where this new light hearted, open, and engaging person is coming from, but after being exposed to him or her for a while, I doubt they are going to complain.
Am I saying that you should ignore any problems or issues in your marriage just for the shake of kissing up to your spouse? Absolutely not. You will later have to address and work through any issues in your marriage. If you don't, they will only crop up again later, but marriages that are on shaky ground probably can't withstand a lot of analysis or picking apart until both parties are experiencing feelings of affection.
I realize that you are probably skeptical and may be thinking "well, why am I the only one who has to do this and why am I doing all of the work?"
The answer is because doing this is going to give you what you really want (your marriage back.) Making your spouse happier is only demonstrating to him or her the way you want to be treated. I guarantee showing your spouse kindness is going to reflect it right backonto you in the end.
Sometimes, we hold on so tightly to issues and are so indignant all the way to divorce court. We're so focused on being "right," that we don't see that we're pushing away what we really want the most.
How do I know all this? Because I have lived it. I had to use the same methods to save my own marriage. I made a lot of mistakes at first that almost cost me dearly, but I was able to change course. Luckily, over time (and by taking slow, calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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