When Given Too Much Sometimes Too Much Is Expected
The phenomenon of affluent teenagers experiencing epidemic rates of depression
, anxiety and eating disorders at rates higher than those of any other socioeconomic group is masterfully explored in Madeline Levine's book, The Price of Privilege. I reference Levine's book and add my own experience and insights in my book, Money Moxie: How to Transcend the Paradox of Privilege and Liberate Your True Worth.
These teens and young adults express something in common - that their whole life has been an exhausting ordeal of wanting but not being able to live up to family expectations. They share a fundamental fear that they are not good enough in comparison with others and, therefore, disappointing failures. Inwardly they wear the badge of shame.
What adds insult to injury is the outside world 'shoulds' all over them. With all that you have you should be happy. With parents like yours (rich) you should be grateful. You should do better than others because you're given so much. Even as an adult society expects more of those who have more. Over the noise of the outside chorus is the even louder ever-present inner self beating the drum of even though you have so much you'll never be enough.
The cost of such a pressure-cooker existence is the starvation of the human spirit. A child living under such emotional hardship sometimes feels like she's lost the right to take up space in the world. How do I know? Because I was one of those teens. Instead of acting out of rebellion I broke down. Typically I felt alone in the world, had low self esteem and disconnected from the ability to feel much of anything. Neglecting my health with poor nourishment I had little energy to pursue much of anything. It was a rough early adulthood. Thankfully there was still a resilient soul within that pushed me into a long and life-affirming journey to enrich and empower my inner self.
What helped me break free was my parents' divorce. Without going into details irrelevant to this topic I was finally left on my own accord. Oppressive parenting vanished and I was left to fend for myself. It wasn't easy. I made a lot of woefully misguided decisions. Finally I found my way back into health and into the vibrant pulse of our culture and society. Others are not so lucky. As adults they continue to struggle under the pressure of perfection or inauthentic ideals. The "I'm not enough" syndrome prevails often leaving the sufferer in a constant pursuit of an external solution to their inner angst. Careers and relationships suffer.
The more money one has the bigger and more expensive the symbol of 'enough-ness'. The problem is, there isn't a mansion or a yacht big enough to transform the inner pain for very long. So the hunt for what will 'make me enough' continues sometimes leading to financial devastation.
Some are frozen. Not feeling like they will ever measure up to the expected standards of perfection they continue to withdraw as I once did. Ambition and passionate pursuits are given up. Why try when you're destined to fail? Failure becomes a self-perpetuating behavior pattern.
There is a way to transform the pain of privilege and the anxiety of masses. Its called compassion. In every socio-economic class, all human beings want a sense of love, belonging and connection. They want to be seen, heard and accepted for who they are rather than measured against some unrealistic ideal. If everyone valued love and compassion over money or achievement the world will become a place where everyone gets what they ultimately want - the sense of peace and satisfaction that comes with abundant nourishment of the soul.
To be clear, I'm not placing blame on parents. Parents generally want the very best for their children and parent in a way they think will deliver that experience. No sane parent gets up in the morning with the intention to inflict harm upon a child. Often parents model what they were taught as children. Hence perfectionist parenting left unchecked is passed down from one generation to the next.
I encourage parents to provide an environment where your child can safely and confidently develop his or her authentic inner self. The measure of your 'enough-ness' as a parent isn't through perfection; its revealed through the emotional well-being of the child and the family as a whole. As a parent, you are 'enough' in the natural expression of love and acceptance for your child. See, hear and acknowledge your children for who they are instead of what you expect them to be. Allow yourself to be accepted for who you are instead of who you think you should be.
Meet the true needs of your child, gaining clarification so that he or she will make wise choices in how to connect and implement their capacities and unique aspirations. Let go of the quest to achieve pedestal of perfection. Take the unrealistic expectation and pressure of raising perfect children off of yourselves. Give yourself and your child the freedom to develop an authentic and loving relationship out from underneath the layers of expectations.
Allow the child within the heart to rise above.
by: Valery Satterwhite
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