When He Cheated And Wants You Back: Tips And Advice That Might Help
I often hear from women who are trying to decide what to do when the man who cheated on them wants them back
. They often are quite torn. On the one hand, they are still livid and hurt. But on the other, it can be very validating to hear him admit his huge mistake and ask for forgiveness. And, it's very tempting to want him (and your old life) back.
I recently heard from someone who said, in part: "When I first found out my husband was cheating, my immediate inclination was to want to save our marriage. But at that time, he kept saying he was 'confused' and wasn't sure what he wanted. So, as hard as it was, I built myself up and began to move on. Now, as I've just started to accept my life, he tells me he wants me back. I'm so torn. I have to admit I still love him and want to be with him, but I'm not sure if I can ever get over the fact that he cheated. What should I do?"
These questions are so common. And still loving someone who cheated on you is nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal and understandable and there's nothing that says your relationship can't recover and be healthy again. But this often doesn't come without a bit of work first. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
You Don't Need To Decide Whether You Want To Take Him Back After Cheating Immediately: So often, when you're initially going through this, you can only take it day by day. You're not sure what is going to happen or how this is going to be resolved and this can be excruciating. So, when he shows up and offers what may seem like a resolution, it can be so tempting to just dive in and hope for the best, even though those doubts in the back of your head won't let you rest.
Speaking of those doubts, they can also cause you to call off the whole relationship and tell him that he can't come back simply because you're afraid the relationship can't recover from the cheating or that you will never get over it. Some women make this call before they even try any of the things which might help the situation.
Both of these immediate reactions aren't necessary. I know that things can feel very immediate and that the pace can feel very fast. And, this can contribute to your making rash or rush decisions. You don't need to do this. Nor do you need to allow yourself to feel pressured if you aren't confident or comfortable enough to act.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that you aren't going to make any decisions about whether to take him back until you have more information, more time to evaluate, more time to heal, and the opportunity to do some work to rehabilitate the relationship and see how this all turns out.
Wanting to take your time is valid and understandable. There's no need to make any apologies or excuses for it. If your husband is sincere in wanting to come back to healthy, stable, faithful, and fulfilling relationship, then he will understand your needing time to find your way.
Doing The Work To Allow You To Take Him Back With A Clear Conscience: Many women willtell me that they know that they really want to take him back because, even though some wish they didn't, they still love him. But what stops them from just rushing into his arms and starting over is the fear that he will cheat again and the fear that he is only coming back to them by default and that those things that made him cheat in the first place will also mean that neither of you will be really happy.
The thing is, all of these things can and should be addressed. Admittedly, if you do nothing to improve your marriage, your self esteem, or the outstanding issues, then it makes sense to be reluctant and doubtful about taking him back. But if you do the work that is necessary, it's possible to take him back and feel relatively good about it. In fact, many wives (and some husbands too) have told me that the infidelity was the catalyst that brought about the work that made the marriage better than ever.
No, it isn't always easy. You'll often have to take a very close at what went wrong to put yourself on the path where things go right. Some of what you learn might be difficult. And you will often feel doubt, anger, or resentment as you relive these things. But in order to feel at peace and have a true resolution, you will need to shine a light on the things that brought you here. Andnot allof these thingshave to do with you or your marriage. Some of the issues will be the cheater's individual issues.
But dealing with these things together will often mean that you are happier and closer as the result. Both of you will often understand yourselves on a much deeper level. And this will help you to identify and address any issues before they become larger ones. This in turn may give you the confidence that you need to move forward and take him back knowing that you can handle the obstacles as they come up and won't have the same relationship so that this happens again.
So, while I can't really know your individual situation or tell if whether you should take him back or not. I can tell you that it is possible to set it up so that you feel right about this, if you're willing to do a bit of work first.
There was a time when I thought I would never be able to take back my husband after he cheated, but this is in the past. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com When He Cheated And Wants You Back: Tips And Advice That Might Help
By: Katie Lersch
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