When Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word
When Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word
When Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word
To err is human, as we say very often. However, most of us only use this expression as a last resort. As an excuse in the meaning of: "All right! all right! all right! I made a mistake! So what?" To say "sorry" to the loved one might be very difficult for some people. Mostly because they believe that to say "sorry" shows weakness. Well, in fact. It is the opposite.
Most of the time we don't accept we are making mistakes, even though we know we are not perfect. Why? Because we want to be perfect! Because we expect to be perfect in some important matters of life: our job, parenting, a sport or anything else. We know we are not perfect, but we don't accept not to be perfect in at least one area of life.
The second important thing is that, partly because of this reason, we don't take responsibility for our actions or for our feelings. That means that if we react inappropriately, it has to be the fault of something else or of someone else. Why that, if we have accepted that we are not perfect? When we can't find someone else around us to blame for our mistake, we go to therapists who will explain to us that it was our parent's fault, or some friend at school's fault, or the fault of society. We can even go as far as earlier life to find a guilty part... Just not us.
The solution to this is much simpler, but more difficult to accept: We are all human, we make mistakes and whatever mistake we make, it is our responsibility. And we can't evolve, we can't grow unless we start by accepting and taking responsibility for our mistakes.
It is important to remember that you are the one who create an emotion such as anger. It is not your partner who creates it for you. You are the one who understand informations in a certain way, feel something particular about it and react in a specific way. To say it is the other's fault, is to run away from your responsibility.
There is nothing wrong with making mistakes, remember? And in this case, to become mad about something, is to make a mistake.
From this point, you have two possibilities: You can deny your mistake and go on blaming something or someone else. By doing that, you will be bolstering the fact that others are steering your life, and you will most probably go on making the same mistake repeatedly, even though you will change partner.
Or you can accept your fallibility as a human being and decide to do your best to solve this problem so you can have a happier marital life (and life in general).
The best thing to do, when you make a mistake is to find out you have made it and then to excuse yourself. And by "excuse yourself", I don't mean to "send the ball to your partner".
Something like:
- I am sorry I yelled at you, but it really makes me mad when you don't understand anything!
This is not "sorry", this is "that was your fault anyway".
An excuse would be:
- I am sorry I yelled at you. I was way out of line.
It is to take the responsibility for your actions.
When this is done, comes the second part: To solve the problem.
To err is human, that is correct, but remember that the full quote is: Errare humanum est, perseverare diabolicum. Meaning: It is human to make mistakes, but it is of the devil to continue making them.
That means that after you found out about the mistake you made, after excusing yourself, you also have the responsibility to learn from it and to work at not doing the same thing again.
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