When Your Husband Had An Affair Outside Of Your Marriage
When Your Husband Had An Affair Outside Of Your Marriage
Since I often write about affairs from a wife's point of view, I sometimes have women who contact me via my blog and ask for my advice of how to proceed once a husband has had an affair outside of their marriage. My advice generally depends upon the circumstances, but almost alwaysafteremailing for a while, I typically come to learn that most wives really want the same thing they just want to heal whetherthis meanshealing themselves and their self esteem and sense of trust or ultimately healing their marriages. So, this article is going to offer you advice and tips on how to heal from your husband's affair, whether it happened just recently, or you have been dealing with this fall out for a while.
I believe to really be able to move past an affair, you're going to need several things, which I will discuss in this article. Not all of these things will happen at once, but they need to happen eventually in order for you to be able to move forward.
You Must EventuallyBe Able To Separate Your Husband's Affair And His Love For You And The Marriage: If there is one reason that people can't move on, it's that they are not able to separate the husband's affair from the marriage or their relationship. Even if their husband is truly sorry, truly loves them, and is willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage and heal the hurt, the wivesare unable to forget. The affair leaks into every aspect of their marriage and poisons or chokes out the remaining love. When these wivesare affectionate or intimate with their husband's, they can't help but wonder if their husband is remembering or thinking about her. They want to move on, but they just can't. There are usually universal reasons for this. Some examples are:
they don't think their husbands are truly sorry (or are only sorry because they got caught cheating);
they don't think their husbands still love them or find them attractive anymore;
they think that they can't trust their husbands or they are afraid that he will cheat again;
they think that their husbands are only staying with them because of the kids or a sense of responsibility and would be with the other woman if he could; and
they think they can't satisfy their husbands or that they aren't as pretty, smart, young, or sexy, etc. as the other woman.
Understand That OftenThese Assumptions Or Fears About The Affair Aren't True: Would you believe me if I told you that, statistically, many of these things just aren't true? Almost 80% of men are desperately sorry about the affair and only just over 10% feel that the "other woman" was prettier or more alluring than their wives.
Because of my research and because husbands read my articles too, I've spoken with countless men who cheated outside of the marriage. Almost all would give almost anything to turn back the clock and take the affair back. Admittedly, these are the husbands who are so motivated to save their marriages that they are researching how to do it online, but almost all of them want help not to trick their wives, not to cheat on their wives again, but to help their wives heal. More than anything else, they want things to be the way they were before they made this awful mistake. Of course, there is no going back now, but marriages certainly can survive affairs. It happens every day. Some marriages are even stronger and more intimate after an affair as both parties band together to over come this crises.
How To Heal Yourself, Survive The Affair, And Save Your Marriage (If You Decide To): I've alluded to this already, but if a marriage is to survive an affair, you must use it as a wake up call to fix what was wrong. Many couples who survive infidelity actually learn to communicate, show affection, and share intimacy much, much better.
Even if you decide not to save your marriage, you can use this as a wake up call to work on yourself. After my husband's affair, it took me a good six months to even be receptive to saving our marriage, but today, I can look back and see exactly where we were vulnerable (although I couldn't see it at the time.)
Before that time though, I really focused on myself. I went back to school. I fixed my teeth. I ate healthier and lost weight. I focused on my friends and doing the things I had always been putting off. Once I was happier with myself, I was more receptive to being happy again with my husband. I do not think I ever would've been convinced that my husband really wanted to be with me if I hadn't done several things to boast my self esteem before we came back together.Our reconciliation also would not have worked if we didn't really talk about why the affair happened and examine what we could do toensure it never happened again.
Although I never would've believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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