Why Do I Feel Ashamed After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair?
The other day, I had a wife who was struggling with her husband's infidelity write to me
. She was coping as best as she could, but one thing had her stumped and struggling. She wanted to know why she felt so ashamed and guilty about her husband's affair since it was her husband who should be feeling these things, not her. She had not cheated. This thought would never cross her mind. She was pretty sure she had been a reasonably good wife. Still, she just could not shake feeling so embarrassed by something that was out of her control. I will tell you what I explained to her in the following article.
Even If You Know Intellectually That Your Husband's Affair Is Not Your Fault, It's Hard To Pull This Off Emotionally: Intellectually, most of us know that the person who cheated is the person who is at fault. Sure, the marriage may have had it's short comings. Everyone's does. But not every one goes out and deals with whatever issues there are by cheating on their spouse. Be very clear that this was his decision and his mistake. There were many options available, but he took none of these avenues. He chose the easy way out instead. So, be very clear that this is on him, not on you.
With that said, it can be very difficult to get your heart to follow your head. You suspect, deep down, that something you did or did not do contributed to this. You worry that you let yourself go. You worry that you didn't keep it as interesting as you could in the bedroom. You worry that you took him for granted and that you didn't give him enough attention. I really do understand this because I felt this way myself, but I can tell you that this is losing game. Beating yourself up will not to help you to heal or to feel better in any way. It will only keep you down. It's important to understand that the reasons that men cheat really don't have as much to do with you as you fear.
They cheat because there is doubt, fear, and poor impulse control. They cheat because they feel weak and vulnerable and they are trying to repair their self esteem. Like us, they want to feel young and desirable again but rather than talking this out or going for a day at the spa, they act very impulsively and do something that they can't take back. Make no mistake about it. Men usually cheat for emotional reasons. Few people believe this but it is true. The physical aspect of it makes them feel emotionally better about themselves. It is so important to understand this.
Focusing On You, Not On Him: It is vital that you do whatever you need to do to maintain your self esteem. If you feel bad about any aspect of yourself, then take positive action. This is not selfish. You owe this to yourself. You deserve it and if you don't do this than you are sentencing yourself to self sabotage and doubt. It's so important to realize that men do not think in the same way that we do. If they were faithful based on beauty and allure, then women like Halle Barry, Elizabeth Hurley, and Jennifer Anniston would not have had to deal with infidelity.
This is so not your fault, but you can use this an opportunity to take care of yourself. Your healing will come much faster if you strengthen yourself and know that he is lucky to have you should you chose to allow this. Do not allow yourself to carry this self doubt forward.
His Affair Is Not Anyone's Business But Your Own: Often when women tell me that they continue being embarrassed about his affair, I wonder how many people know about the affair and keep bringing it up. It's normal to want a close confident that we can confide in, but you don't want to set it up so that you're having to revisit it or explain it all the time. And, your friends really can not possibly understand the totality of the situation. You should not have to, and may not want to, always explain your thinking or answer questions that you would rather keep private. This is no one's business but yours. If someone asks questions or brings up issues that make you uncomfortable, it's perfectly fine to just say something like "I am working through it, thanks," and then to let it drop.
In truth, the only people who should have any say or be involved with this is you, your husband, and you therapist, if you have one. If you have a very objective friend or two to lean on, then that's fine. But you don't want to set it up so that you have to keep explaining or apologizing. There is no reason for you to be embarrassed. This was his behavior, his mistake, and his wrong doing. You do have an opportunity to handle this with the dignity, grace and self respect that will allow you to know that your behavior is anything but embarrassing.
Restoring my self esteem and self worth after my husband's affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level and I no longer worry that he will cheat again. You can reada
very personal story on my blog at
http://surviving-the-affair.com Why Do I Feel Ashamed After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch
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