Why Do I Still Dwell On His Affair?
Why Do I Still Dwell On His Affair?
Why Do I Still Dwell On His Affair?
I recently received an email from a wife who told me that although her husband had ended his affair years ago, she was still caught up in all of the small details of it. Even after all of this time, she was still questioning him on a regular basis about the other woman and the relationship.
The wife was pretty sure that the husband had not had contact with this woman in years. Even she had to admit that he had done most everything that she had asked of him, and, despite her dwelling on the affair, the husband had done everything in his power to put this behind him and to move on in a healthy way in order to save the marriage.
Still, she just could not seem to let it go. It ate at her day after day, week after week, month after month, and lately, year after year. She was tired of living this way. She wanted to stop obsessing in order to move on with a healthy and happy life, but she just didn't know how to stop all of the thoughts that regularly invaded her head. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.
Do You Really Have All Of The Answers That You Need About His Affair?: Sometimes, in this situation, what I see happening is one or both of the parties sort of dancing around the issues. The wife is obsessed and constantly bringing it up because she really doesn't have all the answers and she's either reluctant to ask what she really wants to know or her husband is dancing around the issue with his answers.
This didn't seem to be the case in this wife's situation but I see it happening all of the time. If you suspect that this is your reality, sometimes you just have to take a deep breathe and lay whatever is bothering you out there. Sure, it might be embarrassing or awkward or difficult, but it's generally better to put it out there and to work through it once and for all than to allow it to eat at you for an endless period of time because one or both of you are reluctant to be the one who actually says it. It will always be the elephant in the room until you are proactive in removing it.
Are Any Of His Actions Making You Suspicious?: Another thing that I see popping up is that the trust just has not been restored. For whatever reason, the spouse who cheated is still being secretive, non transparent, or is acting in such a way that makes the wife wonder what he is up to. And, in response, the wife is still asking for or obsessing about the small details because she is looking for clues to see any parallels between that period of time and this one. If this is your reality, you may need to speak up and tell your husband that you need more checking in and accountability. If you make it clear that him providing you this will make it unnecessary for your continued obsession about the affair, he'll often be willing to try to do better.
With that said, sometimes the husband is being accountable but the wife just still can not trust. In these cases, the couple can usually benefit from some sort of guided help or at least defining clear boundaries and expectations. Some women are just going to need more reassurance for a while. And when they do not get it, they will cling even tighter or obsess even more. It can sometimes help for the man to know that his own actions are the reason that this is necessary. Sure, it may be cumbersome to have to always check in, but if that's what it takes, then it must be done. And if it's done successfully, eventually, the trust will return.
Is Your Self Esteem And Self Doubt A Serious Issue?: Sometimes, even the wife has to admit that the husband really is trying his best and doing everything correctly. And yet, the wife still just can not let go and move on. When this is the case, I will usually suggest that the wife look at how she feels about herself. I know from first hand experience that if you're feeling badly about yourself, you will have a lot harder time moving on with confidence. This is because you are always worrying that your husband cheated because there was something wrong with you or because you weren't good enough.
And when this is the case, no matter what he says or does, you're still going to have these doubts because these doubts are within you, not within him. In this case, the only real and meaningful way to work through this is to work to restore and strengthen your self esteem. You must know that you are good enough and that his actions were not a reflection of your worth. If you don't find yourself lovable and desirable, you are less likely to believe that your husband feels this way. This is why it's often vital that you work through these issues so that you are able to fully restore the marriage and the trust.
I know that the obsessive feelings and the doubts can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
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