Why Men Come Home To Their Wives After An Affair
Why Men Come Home To Their Wives After An Affair
I often hear from wives who want my advice on how to heal after their husband cheated. Occasionally though, I hear from mistresses or women who are cheating with another woman's husband. These woman often want my opinion or advice about the husband and want to know how to keep him involved in the affair. (I don't offer this advice, of course.)
But, one question that I get with a great deal of frequency is something like: "Why do men return to their wives after an affair? I know I made him happy and I know that he likes being with me more than her. So, why did he go back to his wife when we were so happy together?" I have theories as to the reason why husbands eventually come to their senses and return home. I'll share them with you in the following article.
Men Often Return To Their Wives After An Affair Because They Realize They've Been Foolishly Living In Fantasy Land: It's not at all uncommon for men to tell me that one day they wake up and suddenly realize how stupid and selfish it is to cheat on their wife. They often realize that there is really no place that the affair can go. One day, they come to see that this whole thing was a huge mistake, that they really do love their wives, and they were trying to fix the problems in their life (which often had nothing to do with their wife) in the wrong way.
This will often bring about a feeling of desperation and urgency, where they want to fix this problem and clean up this mess immediately. So, they will often very abruptly break things off with the mistress, who is left confused as to what she did wrong. The truth is, she may or may not have done anything wrong. But frankly, it's more likely that the man just realized that the relationship was very wrong and there was no good reason to continue on with something that is build on fantasy, deception, and an unhealthy foundation.
Men Often Go Back To Their Wives Because They Realize The Affair Is Not Going To Solve Their Problems: Another thing that I often see is that men have an affair to fix themselves, or their low self esteem, or their inability to feel powerful, but then they eventually realize that the affair was only a quick, but temporary fix. Somewhere down the road, they wake up and realize that they are really no better off and that those same doubts and insecurities that plague them are still there. Sure, the affair may have been distracting for a while. But eventually, one day they look in the mirror and realize that, not only are they still aging, insecure, or stressed, they are now also deceptive, dishonest, and acting in a shameful manner. In this way, the affair has only made things worse for them and they want for things to return to "normal."
Men Go Back To Their Wives After An Affair Or Cheating Because They Love Their Wives (And Never Loved The Woman They Were Cheating With): I often have mistresses tell me things like "I know he loved me. I know he adored me in a way that he could never adore her. I understand him. She does not. I know divorce would be expensive and that he doesn't want to give up his kids. But one day he will come to his senses and realize that he doesn't love her the way that he loves me." I often have to bite my tongue to keep from saying "good luck with that line of thinking."
Here's what these women do not understand. It's not probable that he loves you in the way that he loves his wife. She has often stood with him through thick and thin. She likely shares a long history with him and a family with him. In short, this woman has put in her time. You have not even begun to do so. Yes, you may well have felt like you had a connection and a deep spiritual understanding of each other. But, this is likely because you have not yet been challenged. Everything is light and sweet and no one is having to deal with sick kids or dirty laundry or a broken down car.
Love is a word that is thrown around very loosely and this is unfortunate. But real and deep love builds on itself over time and often does not come out of a dishonest situation where you are betraying and lying to someone that you supposedly love. The mistress is often hoping and expecting that a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship comes out of an unhealthy situation and negative emotions. So, you already have that stacked against you.
On the one hand, this can make everything exciting in the beginning. But, on the other hand, when the smoke clears, this will bring on shame and disgust, and a desire to just be done with the whole thing and return to what is honest and what is real. This is his wife and his family. This may well seem unfair to you, but hopefully, you knew that this risk existed when you began this relationship.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want any parties in any relationship to emerge hurt or injured. But, if you are the mistress reading this article, please know that, in my opinion, you are better off with a man who is free to commit to you and is not ashamed to be honest about your relationship. A healthy and loving relationship is not based on deception and does not need to be hidden.
I know that the mistress often thinks that she has something special or has something that the wife doesn't have, but this is rarely true. I am glad I forced myself not to buy into this. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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