subject: Why Cant My Partner Play Fair? Couple Therapy With Takers [print this page] In the search for better relationships, givers try to explain their positions and try to reach reasonable solutions. They want to be seen as a good person and cannot accept being considered a bad person. Guilt controls much of their lives. If they are married to a taker, they find that no matter what they try, they are usually told they are wrong.
Takers are those in relationships that complain they give the most and get the least. They play out the role of being the victim/martyr. However, if one looks objectively at what is happening, takers are those that usually get their way and actually have most power and control despite claiming to have none.
To understand these patterns, one must first recognize that neither is a choice. The patterns develop based on ones learning history in the birth family and are maintained throughout ones lifetime. The clinical biopsychological model is the first to explain the basis for these patterns. Simply put, we all have a native emotional language that determines what feels positive and negative in relationships.
Couple therapy with a taker partner actually requires that the partner give in less. In other words, the partner is keeping more power and control in the relationship. Despite any negative behaviors shown by the taker, the spouse does not give in. In fact, it is best if the partner insists on a time out and refuses to deal with the taker unless the taker can treat him or her nicely.
It is also advised that long discussions about matters be avoided with a taker since the only rule being followed is I win, I get my way. If these approaches are followed, the taker learns over time that the only way I have access to my partner is to be nice, and I can no longer bully my way into what I want. Thus, couple therapy success depends on the partner establishing and enforcing fair rules.
The book For Better or for Worse: Am I in Love with a Giver or a Taker? provides a detailed discussion of these rules, and many more. In couple therapy the therapist often prescribes reading and this book can be an excellent resource. In reality, I actually use it the most in individual therapy since it allows the patient to better understand all relationships.
