subject: Couple Counseling For A Couple Of Givers: It Is Typically Quite Successful [print this page] A new understanding of old terms, takers and givers, has been given within the context of a new brain model. In the clinical biopsychological model, each type is understood on the basis of what leads to positive and negative emotions in relationships. Obviously, all humans desire positive and wish to avoid negative feelings.
Takers have positive emotions when they gain power, control, attention, or material things in a relationship. Givers tend to give power, control, attention, or material things in order to feel appreciated or desired. Both are equally selfish since both do things to have more positive and less negative.
Givers tend to seek therapy less than do takers since they do not want to be seen by others as being inadequate to handle their own problems. On the other hand, givers are those who can tend to benefit the most since they desire to be fair and reasonable. This allows givers to incorporate new healthier behaviors and to maintain these behaviors after treatment.
In couple counseling, by far the easiest couples with which to deal are two givers. Unfortunately, these are the couples I have tended to see the least. They usually tolerate unhappiness in a relationship and find ways to feel more positive away from a partner. If both continue to grow apart, they may eventually decide to divorce. The divorces are generally quite amicable and peaceful since both wish to be fair and reasonable.
However, if giver partners decide to be seen for couple counseling, their very nature of being fair and reasonable can lead to vast improvements. These individuals possess the ability to incorporate new behaviors that can lead to more positive and fewer negative emotions for both partners.
Givers want to be seen as being a good person and cannot stand to feel like the bad person. I often tell them in couple counseling that they have a big guilt button that is easily pushed. Once they see this, they can get around having that button pushed by defining new fair rules and following these. These new rules can be ways to deal with disagreements, keep priorities straight, find enjoyable things to do with a spouse, and so on. If you and your partner seem to fit the patterns I describe and are having relationship problems, strongly consider therapy.
