subject: Establishing Trust To Counteract Defiant Behaviors [print this page] Defiant behaviors such as lying, disobeying, and acting inappropriately in school are often symptomatic of larger issues facing a child who is actually full of fear and confusion. Parents can learn to counteract these negative behaviors with understanding, time, and building trust.
One of the first things parents need to do in these situations is truly discover the facets that compose their children's thoughts, emotions, and trials. As youth move through various stages of emotional and psychological growth, there are bound to be accompanying feelings of fear, confusion, anger, and other negative emotions. Even positive emotions, such as excitement for new experiences, can cause overwhelming emotions that children are sometimes not equipped to process.
Children do not typically begin making poor choices and acting defiantly overnight, but instead have a slow accumulation of events that lead to these behaviors. Parents need to look to these times that led to the breaking points, as well as the times when the relationships were better. As parents look back to times of positive communication behaviors, they can often see the slow progression of decline. From these points parents can begin to create goals, either to reestablish a former positive relationship or use those points to develop new goals for a better future.
The negative behaviors of lying and misbehaving in school and at home are often symptomatic of where a child is struggling in his life. It will take time and it won't happen overnight, but parents must find a way to take a step back and try to return to basic components of positive parenting: mutual trust and open communication.
Children who are misbehaving are not always easy to trust and parents might find it very difficult to trust that they will follow rules and be honest. Parents might resort to questioning and distrusting in general. It is, however, an important role of the parent to teach children and lead them through confusing and frustrating times in their lives without always casting judgments. Children sometimes misread punishments as signs that they are unheard, ignored, or even unloved. Parents must carefully balance their roles as teachers and disciplinarians.
There might be a tendency of some parents to feel that they are not in a position of needing to earn trust from a child, but the opposite is actually true. Building a trusting environment requires the parent to be work to earn trust and put the needs of the child to be understood before their own. Children who do not feel safe or understood will not be able to communicate the roots of the issues causing the negative behaviors. As children learn to trust their parents they will learn to reach to them for guidance before the poor choices are made.
Achieving a relationship where trust is mutual takes time, energy, and an enormous amount of patience. Children learn to trust parents when parental reactions are calm, reasonable, and occur in loving environments.
As time and trust are increased, the ability to communicate openly will also increase between parents and children. Parents might at first have a difficult time hearing honesty from their children without rushing to judgments, but maintaining a level of calm control will facilitate better communication.
Once these positive components of mutual trust and open communication are established, it will be easier to address negative behaviors and help children learn to make better choices. If children feel safe, secure, and understood, there is less likelihood of consistent and prolonged negative actions on their parts. Parents should remember to begin with the fundamentals and the rest will usually follow with more positive experiences.
