subject: The Wanderer: Part 7 of 73 [print this page] "And then, did something happen?" Xaba asks impatiently. "Well, as the days and weeks pass, one finds ones feet, it becomes easier. We became better at getting up early, the extra exercise, the endurance - vasbyt - with our Corporal. A real bastard he was! But deep inside me something was gnawing at me. I was carrying a lump of dissatisfaction around with me. I kept thinking that I needed to do something more, something different - be someone different. It was as though something in me had kicked into gear. I needed to move on, push forward, try. A bit faster, harder, a little better, a little further! "I remember the night navigation exercise.
Nobody wanted to walk in front. Everyone was scared, unsure. Someone must take the compass. No-one was confident enough, everyone hung back. I did too, because I was staying in the crowd. That was where I had been advised to play the game. Then I found myself volunteering to take the compass that night. I think that was the day on which my life started to change," I tell Xaba.
"That must be the big secret if it had such an impact on you" says Xaba. "I don't know. What do you think?" I ask. At first he doesn't reply. I wish he wouldn't become so uncommunicative. I continue. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The day that I tried. The day when I gave some of myself opened myself up to possible failure. Maybe there is a secret in that. "I felt good that night, I liked it. It felt different walking in front, taking the lead, to be a little daring for a change, add a little value. It was as if everything suddenly falls into place when one plays the game, walks in front, does what one needs to do. This feeling had been buried inside me all along, and it had to be expressed.
For too long I had allowed other people's clichs to be my reality: 'Stay in the crowd, don't walk in front!' That was the biggest mistake of my life."
