subject: Recovering From A Bad Breakup [print this page] Whether you're the one who ended it, the one who was let go of, or your breakup was a mutual understanding an ending can be painful. Understanding that there are steps which can ease a pain that may not seem to be lessening can help you recover.
There are three main steps to getting over a situation that has brought pain and ending into your life and they are not unlike those one might follow after experiencing the death of a loved one. The reasoning for this is that certain types of breakups can have all of the symptoms of a loss of life and for this reason should be taken very seriously.
The Mourning Period:
In certain cases a breakup may feel more like gaining back your freedom than a loss, but in most cases some measure of pain is felt. Whether it's because of the loss of a companion, a friend or even just the time you put into the relationship, many people experience a period of adjustment that can be difficult.
It is often tempting to pack everything away immediately following the end of a relationship and move forward, but without a proper period of mourning time you may just end up relapsing later, or dragging your old relationship problems into a new one.
Allowing yourself the time to express your sad or angry feelings about the way your relationship ended is extremely important to your complete recovery. Whether you're crying to a friend or in need of some professional assistance it is important not to bury your feelings under the pride of wanting to seem not phased.
One of the most difficult reactions to a breakup is that many people feel embarrassed, especially if they were let go of by their partner. In this one particular feeling you can find little use for when simply trying to heal and must therefore try very hard to shelve that humiliation for the time being until you are better equipped to face it.
The amount of time it will take before you can stop feeling devastated by your loss differs from person to person, but it is important that you allow yourself enough time to let your emotions out. Though others may want to hurry your recovery, often with the best of intentions, you need to stand firmly on taking the time you need. Allowing anyone to begin your matchmaking before you feel truly ready may set your recovery back far longer than necessary and it may be wise simply to concentrate on yourself for a while.
Rebuilding:
One of the most common mistakes people make immediately following a breakup is looking for a recovery through another romantic partner. Not only does this almost never help a person heal, but it is often extremely unfair to the chosen person.
Preparing yourself for recovery should keep the focus on you and how you interact with others far more than it should be about finding a replacement at this early stage. At this point, if you feel ready it is time to drag out your feelings about why the breakup took place.
Sifting through your relationship to discover what led to its' ending isn't an easy business and you may want to enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member who can look at the situation objectively. If no such person is available you may want to consider going to just a few sessions with a professional analyst.
During this stage it is important to identify the faults that both you and your partner had which may have provided the foundation for an inevitable ending. Placing blame entirely on one person or another is almost always the wrong move, though in some cases true, most breakups occur because of a series of events in which both partners share a portion of the responsibility.
The point of this sometimes painful exercise is to identify several key elements which may prove to be useful love advice for your future. The first being the acknowledgment of traits you do seem to be able to live with, in a romantic partner; second, discovering the traits which you posses that seemed to drive your partner away; finally, making the decision to change any traits which you posses which agree are not attractive and not welcome in your life.
Once you are able to separate these items you can begin working on your life in a constructive way and by doing so will likely shed a great deal of the embarrassment and feeling of being powerless. Many find that through this method they begin to feel more confident and positive about their lives in general, not to mention their romantic futures.
New Beginning:
After letting go of your loss and strengthening yourself you may be ready to begin dating again. At this point it will often be helpful to head out and meet local singles or even test the waters with a group of friends.
Starting out may prove difficult in the beginning, depending upon the length and depth of your prior relationship and you may want to explore avenues of dating that allow you to take things completely at your own pace. Meeting someone through a trusted friend who can vouch for your dates' credibility might be an excellent way to begin a new relationship. Alternative methods that have been becoming increasingly popular, such as dating online might also be an excellent way to go; this method gives you the chance to meet people online at your own pace and comfort level.
Only you will truly know when and if you're ready to begin dating again and you should never feel obligated to begin this new portion of your life too soon. In some cases people spend a great deal of time trying to figure out who they are and what they may want to do with their life after the drastic alteration certain types of breakups can make in a persons' life.
Remember that no matter how long it takes you to mourn, rebuild and begin again the fundamental part of healing is reaching a place in your life where you feel happy again. Once this is achieved romances may be on the horizon and if you do begin a new relationship with that special someone this time you will have gained a great deal of knowledge which can only increase your chances for a making a success of it.
