subject: Commitment To Marriage: The Necessary First Step [print this page] In the first session I have always asked each individual being seen for marital therapy whether they were committed to making the relationship work. It is often answered by one or both partners with an I dont know. By the time many couples decide to pursue counseling, they have had numerous problems. This leads to uncertainty as to whether they wish to remain.
Obviously, martial therapy will lead to stress in the relationship. Problems can only be addressed if they are known. When partners discuss their perceptions of problems, the spouse will have negative emotions. To effectively address the problems, the couple needs to be committed to making the relationship work. Otherwise, the negative emotions may lead them to reach the conclusion they can tolerate no more distress and leave.
A marriage can only survive as long as both partners want it to do so. A minister I know makes the statement that a marriage is over only when one of the partners quits trying. Attempting marriage therapy with an uncommitted partner will inevitably lead to failure.
If marriage counseling books are to benefit a couple, there must be commitment to both the marriage and reading the book. This has to be followed by commitment to employing the recommendations. Unfortunately, there is often failure by one partner to really try.
Prior to buying one the numerous marriage counseling books that is available, spend time with your partner and get their commitment to read it. All too often I have seen the motivated partner get a book, read it, and then ask his/her spouse to read it as well. In most cases, the spouse will fail to do so. This is the reason I believe a spouse should be included before the book is bought.
In the case where only one partner seems motivated to address marital issues, I have seen that person for individual psychotherapy. This allows the opportunity for the patient to understand whether they are married to a Giver or a Taker, and what can realistically be expected in the relationship. In contrast to marriage counseling books, the individual patient typically finds they can read to learn about what are the most effective ways of dealing with a spouse who lacks commitment to read the same material.
