subject: Being Spontaneous: Adding Spice In Couple Therapy [print this page] One common complaint, more often by women than men, is that there is no spontaneity in the relationship. After all, who does not like a pleasant surprise? However, most partners readily admit they feel uncomfortable asking for things, and it is obvious that if you have to ask for it, there is no spontaneity.
How many of you have sought simple solutions of how you can provide this to your spouse? After all, we each have numerous demands of our time and attention, making it difficult at best to remember to do something nice for your significant other. Yet some people seem to find a way to do this very thing.
One other point is to really look at how well you know your spouse and what he or she may truly desire. How many times have you or someone you know been given things you really do not care to have? Many people actually give to a partner those things they like, not what their partner wants.
In couple therapy, it is important to teach some ways to get more spice in the marriage by adding spontaneity. One way to do this is to plan the spontaneity (rather oxymoronic, huh?). Many of us use calendars or planners to remind us of appointments. Why not use the same technique to remind us it is time to do something nice for our partners? Simply make yourself a notation every few days and do something unexpected for your partner at that time. Even though you planned it, it still feels spontaneous for the receiving party.
Another couple therapy technique is to get each partner to think about things they really enjoy and inform their partner. You would be surprised at how many people do not know what they themselves would enjoy from a partner. If that person is not sure, how could their partner ever be successful? Help your partner to know you better.
Not all spontaneous acts need to involve material things or take a lot of time. One of the most effective things someone can learn in couple therapy is to give many compliments and acknowledgements of things the other person has done for you. The truth is that the things you ignore will disappear. By frequently telling your spouse what you appreciate, it increases your chances of getting it again in the future.
