subject: What Makes Men Lose Their Commitment Fears [print this page] The first thing to determine is the general and specific sources of the commitment fear.
One common source of that fear is the erroneous assumption that to become "us" you both have to quit being "me". In a mature relationship, the "couple" is another entity that enhances, rather than smothers, the individual.
If you are too possessive, needy, or controlling, you will feed that underlying fear of self-stifling commitment and push him away. On the other hand, if you maintain your own identity and interests outside the relationship, and allow him the same, he will feel reassured that his fears are unfounded.
Another powerful source of commitment fears may arise from the baggage of past bad commitments that turned sour. A recently divorced man who is starting over from a devastating emotional and financial loss may find it difficult to trust again. Try not to take it personally. You can't TELL him he can trust you; you will have to SHOW him.
Most importantly, you have to trust him to decide when he's ready. And while almost all divorced men proclaim that they will NEVER marry again; most do.
A relationship may seem to be progressing steadily toward commitment when he suddenly slams on the brakes. This may be in response to some triggering factor (such as a financial setback or your toddler spontaneously calling him "Daddy") or just appear out of the blue when one of his friends gets divorced.
Your response will either make or break the relationship. You can point out that you've never pressured him to commit; you think it's a good idea to take things slow. It's okay to ask him if there's a specific problem or concern. If he says no, don't push the issue.
Then decide how much time you're willing to give him to recover from his panic attack. You don't want to give him an ultimatum; don't announce your deadline. Wait and see what happens. Don't play games like flirting with other men in front of him or placing personal ads to line up the next prospect. Those will only make him feel insecure and justify his fear of committing to you.
The best way to encourage him to be committed to you is to demonstrate your commitment to him. Continue to treat him like the most important man in your life.
Above all, listen when he expresses concerns that can reveal clues to the source of his fears so that you can subtly help him to overcome them.
